I am a practising Christian, but lately I've been giving serious thought to becoming
a secular progressive. The advantages of adopting this popular mindset are becoming
more attractive every day.
As a Christian, one does the right thing, even when no one is looking. As a progressive,
I can get public recognition, peer approval and moral points for my intentions.
No need to actually do any heavy lifting. Very cool.
As a secular progressive I won't have to worry about guilt or wrestle with moral
dilemmas. I can now cheat on my mate and remain guilt free by merely purchasing credits from CheatNeutral
. I don't have
to worry about recycling, polluting the earth or being an energy hog - I'll just
buy some offsetting 'carbon credits' from Al Gore's firm. If I decide to have a
baby out of wedlock, I'll gain sympathy and government assistance instead of shame.
There's also a possibility Nickelodeum will do a 'pregnancy special',
just like Jamie Lynn Spears
Progressives have a very, well, progressive way of dealing with the messy issue
of sin and guilt. My favorite is a very public apology (multiple times...depending
on severity of offense) followed by a month in rehab to demonstrate sincerity. This route has the added advantage of accruing extra points for 'courage'
and 'insight', to say nothing of media face time. Now, I am cleansed and free to
sin again. Progressives are nothing if not forgiving. (Unless you're a white Christian
There's something very exhilarating about disregarding all the old traditional rules,
especially when you can invent your own new ones. Progressives call this 'empowerment',
which means indulging one's own feelings, not being bound by tradition,
and defining your own reality. As a member of the Me generation, this is particularly
appealing. If it feels good, do it. No more need to consider others, unless they're
in an approved
victim class. Like Palestinians, Guantanamo inmates or blacks,
or women, or transvestites, or...well, you get the idea.
Another good reason to become a secular progressive is their absolute reliance on
feelings over facts. Facts can be messy and at times, embarrassing. Feelings,
especially my own, can now be the defining perameter of my worth. I feel, therefore
I am. Whatever I feel is automatically valid and if anyone dares challenge me, they
are deemed judgemental. How cool is that?
For all the advantages gained by becoming progressive, there are a few
rules. I have to be very careful to never say the 'n' word, or the 'c' word, or
the 'd' word. (Hugging blacks in public is not a rule per say, it's just highly
recommended.) I must consider taxes as investments in the greater good and I must agree that all cultures
are morally equal. I also have to acknowledge that there is absolutely no difference
between men and women, that America is the cause of all the world's ills, that capitalism
is evil and that government knows best. Oh,
I also have to demonize the rich, pretend
Hillary isn't the face of socialism and act like everyone is a racist. Small price, eh?
Tomorrow, I'm going to call Meals On Wheels and tell them I'm not going to volunteer
there anymore. Instead, as a progressive, I will do my bit for my fellow man by
joining with millions of others in World
Orgasm For Peace day. Whoever thought sacrifice could be so much fun!