Color Me Guilty: Confessions of a Serial Profiler
Nancy Morgan
RightBias.com
February 9, 2007
I'm guilty and it's time for me to come clean.
I'm prejudiced. Not only that, I 'profile' people based not only on their skin color,
but on their economic status, educational level and gender orientation. Sometimes
I even let their political affiliations affect the way I think of them. And Muslims?
You got it...I just plop them all in a box and label them.
I also draw hasty conclusions without taking into account the feelings of those
I judge. I am insensitive and at times I can be downright non-inclusive.
Just the other day, I profiled a whole crowd of people. I looked at all those idiots,
oops, anti-war protesters and immediately assumed they were majority secular progressive.
I assumed, without any facts to back me up, that most of the younger protesters
were probably college students who didn't have to work to put themselves through
college. I also assumed that the 'adults' in the crowd were either government employees,
union members, former pot smoking 60's Vietnam protesters or members of a high sounding
group that gets grants from the federal government. Or feminists.
Wait...there's more. I'm homophobic, too. I'm guilty of profiling gay people. I
automatically assume they base their whole identity on their sex life. I futher
assume that if I don't immediately and enthusiastically endorse their lifestyle,
I could very well be accused of discrimination.
I just can't help myself. No matter how our government tries to legislate morality,
I still involuntarily flinch every time I see Barney Frank's mouth. Or see Ellen
Degeneres publicly swapping spit with her wife, (husband?) on the White House lawn.
I am so baad... [For media requests, I can be reached @ 1-800-ImSorry]
And black people. I make sweeping generalizations about the whole race. I blithely
assume that a 70% illigitimacy rate indicates a certain lack of responsibility.
I'm also pretty sure most 'black outrage' is opportunism and I think, dare I say
it, that many African-Americans
are the cause of their own problems. Oh, and I really
don't like the term African-American. If I went around calling myself White-American
I'm pretty sure I'd be profiled as a white supremacist.
Whenever I see a group of black teenagers with their butt cracks
showing, baseball caps on sideways, and several ounces of gold hanging around their
neck, I profile them. I can't help it. It's not my fault.
One thing that can be said in my defense. I profile white people too. Last
week, I profiled a whole college class. Not knowing any better, I assumed most of
the females in a 'Woman's Studies' class were Democrats, tree huggers
and enamored of third world dictators. And I'm pretty sure they base all their opinions
on feelings instead of facts.
That's not all. As a group, they probably pose a statistically
higher chance of suing someone than, say, a housewife who stays home and tends her
kids. Crazy, huh?
On Fox News the other night, former Clinton advisor Dick Morris said we all had
to cleanse our hearts and our sub-conscious attitudes. I've decided to take his
advise. To show how truly sorry I am for holding impure thoughts, I've decided to
enter rehab.
I know, I know, it's the brave, courgeous thing to do. (Thank-you, thank-you) But
I'm really going to try to re-invent myself. (With any luck, I might run into
Gavin Newsom or that cute actor on Grey's Anatomy, too.)
The good news is, the government offers a program designed for my specific malady.
I only have to pay a $50.00 surcharge and they will let me enter this cool rehab
down in Florida. I'm going over the brochure right now. I can't decide which 'treatment'
program I'll enroll in. It's a toss-up between 'Embrace Your Victimhood' or 'It's
Not Your Fault.' Choices, choices.
And I know that wasn't a pig that I just saw flying by my window. I know now that,
whatever it was, it was caused by either Bush or global warming. See, you can
re-invent yourself if you really try.
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