Letterman: Top Ten Reasons I Look Forward To Mother's Day Presented By Dave's Mom
Thursday Night, May 8
10. "I pay a neighbor kid to pretend he's my son and we get 10% off at IHOP"
9. "Sunday means just one more day 'til 'The Hills'"
8. "Go to see that Harold and Kumar movie"
7. "Unlike other mothers, I don't have to worry about receiving big, cumbersome
gifts in the mail"
6. "Illegal fireworks"
5. "I look forward to Sunday because '60 Minutes' makes me feel young"
4. "Can finally get my pulse back to normal after that thrill ride that was Late
Show Magician Week"
3. "All the kindness helps me forget I'm being gouged at the pump by those damn
oil companies"
2. "It's not Thanksgiving, but that doesn't mean you
can't shoot a turkey"
1. "Wow, it's Mother's Day? I'm still hurting from Cinco de Mayo"
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Conan O'Brien
Thursday Night, May 8
It has been reported that Barack Obama has been negotiating for Hillary Clinton
to go away. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, “I’d love to know how that works.”
Hillary’s advisers say that the chances of her giving up the nomination to Barack
is only about 10 percent. However, they say that if he should win the presidency,
that number could go as high as 11 percent.
John McCain’s wife was heard saying that they own eight or nine homes. McCain’s
wife denies this and said, “What I said is, I tried to put him in a home eight or
nine times.”
Nelson Mandela is turning 90. He has asked Amy Winehouse to perform at his 90th
birthday party. When asked why he likes Amy Winehouse, he said, “She’s spent more
time in jail than I did.”
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Craig Fergusan
Thursday Night, May 8
Celebrity birthdays today: Enrique Iglesias and Don Rickles.
Very different men,
of course. One made a career of people laughing at him and the other is Don Rickles.
Not a great day for gaming fans. There’s a congressional hearing going to take place
over the violence in Grand Theft Auto IV. I think congressmen are concerned because
they think kids should only see real violence, like what’s on the news.
I’m sure it is comforting to people about to lose their houses to foreclosure to
know that Congress is acting quickly on the Grand Theft Auto fake-violence crisis.
Next thing, Congress will be grilling characters from the video games
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Leno
Thursday Night, May 8
Hillary Clinton is not throwing in the pantsuit.
According to The New York Times, Bill Clinton, while on stage, was actually wiping
away a tear. When Hillary saw this, she said, “Don’t worry, Bill. I’ll always be
here with you.” And he said, “Don’t make it worse.”
The pundits say Hillary Clinton’s campaign will most likely survive until mid-June.
On the Republican side, they say they are optimistic that John McCain will also
survive until at least mid-June.
I’m getting inspired by Hillary
Clinton. Maybe I won’t leave either.
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Letterman
Thursday Night, May 8
Here in New York City, the weather is warm and cloudy. Like an Amy Winehouse urine
test.
She was recently arrested . . . again. The good news is, her hair was released on
its own recognizance.
Hillary Clinton is a fighter. Too bad her campaign is running out of money. And they’re not paying their bills. Here’s what happened today: A collection agency
repoed her pantsuit.
She has one thing in common with President Bush: Neither of them has an exit strategy.
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Jimmy Kimmel Live
Thursday Night, May 8
Anyone heard of the presidential election? Experts say there’s probably going to
be one in November.
Barack Obama picked up four more superdelegates this week. Those are the party big
shots whose votes mean more than our votes for some reason. Even so, it’s nice to
see a politician pick up something other than a prostitute every once in a while.
The Democrats are in a tough spot: If the superdelegates nominate Clinton, they
will alienate a lot of African-American voters. If Obama wins, there are going to
be a lot of disappointed women voters, which is why I think more than ever we need a president Oprah.
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Free Kittens
Courtesy: Kojak1
Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying
to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS"
next to them.
Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle
in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from
the biggest car.
"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.
"Kittens" Little Suzy replied. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."
"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.
"Democrats" says Little Suzy.
The tall man smiled, returned to his car, and they drove away.
Sensing a good photo opportunity, Senator Obama called his campaign manager and
told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would
return the next day, have all the media there, and tell everyone about these great kittens.
The next day Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens
with the "FREE KITTENS" sign, and the big motorcade of black
cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS
and CNN.
Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked
up to Little Suzy. "Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just
want you to tell all these nice news people what kind of kittens you're giving away today."
"Yes sir," Suzy said, "These are all REPUBLICAN kittens."
Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday you told me that they were Democrats"
Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know, but today they have their eyes open."
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