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Cartoons Last Updated: May 21, 2017
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: May 19
Courtesy: Newsmax

Wednesday Night, May 9

Best Buy has redesigned their logo in order to make it more modern. Best Buy’s CEO said, “With this new logo, we’re going to sell a lot of VCRs.”

President Trump said his summit with Kim Jong Un will not take place at the DMZ. Trump said, “Forget about it, everyone knows the lines at the DMZ are too long.”

Three American citizens were released today after being held prisoner in North Korea for as long as two years. But when they found out Donald Trump is the president, they immediately fled back to North Korea.

An American Airlines employee berated a young mom for carrying a breast pump. Although it’s still better than the time the same mom was on Spirit Airlines and she was asked to feed everyone in coach.

Three American hostages detained in North Korea have been set free. Melania Trump asked, “Hey, if you’re freeing hostages, can I go too?”

The Late Late Show With James Corden
Thursday Night, May 17

 Today marks the one-year anniversary of special counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. This morning, Donald Trump marked the occasion by tweeting: “Congratulations America, we are now into the second year of the greatest witch hunt in American history... And there is still no collusion and no obstruction.” When Melania saw the tweet she was like, “Oh, so you are capable of remembering anniversaries?”

Trump’s communicating like your passive aggressive roommate who leaves a note on the dishes in the sink. “Congratulations, Lisa, we are now into the second year of the greatest dirty dish pile-up in this apartment’s history. P.S. Glad to see you’re enjoying my new shampoo.”

In other Trump news, the president’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani continues to give troublesome interviews. Last night on Fox News, Giuliani said that Trump couldn’t have colluded with the Russians, because if they had given him dirt on Hillary, he would have used it. Never a good sign when your lawyer’s defense is, “Your honor, my clients tried to commit a treasonous crime, but they were too stupid to actually pull it off.”

According to a new report, some middle-class women have started hosting dinner parties around a new trend called “brieing.” Brieing is where the women consume the drug MDMA, also known as Molly, wrapped in brie cheese. It’s about time hiding drugs in soft cheeses wasn’t just for the family dog.

Coincidentally, brie and Molly are also the names of most of the women that are doing this. To middle-class women brieing is a fun time. To the rest of society, this is known as a Class-A misdemeanor.

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Thursday Night, April 26

The big story is that in his retrial today, Bill Cosby was found guilty of sexual assault. You know, in the MeToo era, it is gratifying to see a sexual predator, however powerful or popular, finally brought to justice. But you can't forget, there are plenty still at large. Speaking of which, Donald Trump called in...

Donald Trump called in to "Fox & Friends" today. Did anybody see it? Did anybody see this? Are you OK? Because the interview started strong, but then the president started talking. [Trump clip] “Good morning, and I picked a very, very special day because it is Melania's birthday. So I said, ‘Let's do it on Melania's birthday.’” He also tried that line on Melania — no go.

Then, "Fox & Friends" asked the obvious follow-up: [“Fox & Friends” host] “Do you want to tell us what you got her?” [Trump clip] “Well, I better not get into that because I may get in trouble. Maybe I didn't get her so much. I'll tell you what, she has done — I got her a beautiful card.” You're a billionaire! You got your wife a card?! Do you know what she puts up with? I think she's earned a shopping spree. I'm going to say, about $130,000 worth.

 When asked to give himself a letter grade, Trump showed his trademark humility: [Trump clip] “I would give myself an A-plus. Nobody has done what I’ve been able to do, and I did it despite the fact that I have a phony cloud over my head that doesn’t exist.” Sir, that’s not a phony cloud — that’s your hair.

This interview was insane. It was rambling. It was so loud. It sounded like he was shouting the whole time. I just had the image of an unbathed Donald Trump shambling around in his bathrobe. Neither “Fox” nor “Friend” could get a word in edgewise.

But in their defense, they had to rush the leader of the free world off the phone to get to their actual next news segment: "Buck's famous scrambled eggs!" The secret ingredient is changing the subject.

And while Trump was on the foxy, friendly "Fox & Friends," we got an update on Trump's personal physician, Dr. Ronny Jackson. Dr. Jackson has been under fire for drinking on the job and doling out prescription medication. And this morning, Dr. Jackson withdrew as the nominee to lead the Department of Veterans Affairs. Yup. Yeah. Maybe not the right guy for the job.

Dr. Jackson's withdrawal is not exactly a surprise. This scandal keeps getting worse. For instance, today we learned that his on-the-job alcohol use was so routine that there was “a standing order to leave a bottle of rum and Diet Coke in Dr. Jackson's hotel room on official travel." Oh, he's not just drinking. He's “freshman Spring Break in Cancun" drinking. "It's diet! It's good for me. I can't even taste the rum."

But Jackson denies the charges and says he's bowing out because these false allegations have become a distraction for the president. To be fair, jangly keys are a distraction for this president.


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Thursday Night, May 17

Today is the one-year anniversary of the start of Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. President Trump celebrated the way he honors all his anniversaries — he forgot.

The royal wedding is this Saturday. After the ceremony, Harry and Meghan will ride around in a carriage to wave at the public. While the guests will be back at the reception going, “When the hell are they going feed us?”

A lot of celebrities are going to be at the royal wedding this weekend, like Serena Williams and the Spice Girls. But Yanni had to RSVP no. He said, “I think I got the invitation by mistake. This envelope was addressed to Laurel.”

Levi’s just released a smart jacket that lets you know when your Uber arrives. It’s great for people who love to have all the latest gadgets — except a phone.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tuesday Night, May 8

We had an earthquake 4.5 on the Richter scale at right around 5 a.m. this morning. Did you feel it? I didn't either. I slept right through it. Whenever we have an earthquake in L.A., first thing you do is stay calm and, as quickly as you can, get to your phone to post "Anyone feel that?" on social media. That's how we handle it.

The epicenter was about 90 miles away in a town that's known primarily for outlet stores, Cabazon. The quake was especially intense there. But don't worry. Ann Taylor Loft is OK. There was no damage.

In a way it was refreshing to wake up to an earthquake that didn't come from the president's Twitter account for a change.

Yesterday the president announced that he'd be making an announcement at 2:00 this afternoon on the future of our nuclear pact with Iran. He's been teasing this like it's a new "Star Wars" trailer.

Trump said the Iran deal is a horrible one-sided deal. It never should have been made. I bet anything he hasn't read one word of that deal. He knows none of the details. This is not a popular decision. Lawmakers from both parties spoke out against this. The British prime minister and French president said they regretted Trump's choice. Even Russia said they were disappointed, though that is a lie. They love it.

Trump said he will re-impose sanctions on Iran. And, as a result, Iran said they will immediately resume enriching uranium. But Trump says if Iran doesn't fall in line, look out." [video of Trump] "If the regime continues its nuclear aspirations, it will have bigger problems than it has ever had before." That's right, don't test him, Iran. He will turn your whole country into a poorly run casino like THAT!

Meanwhile, the president's legal team will decide next week whether or not he should testify before special counsel Robert Mueller.

Trump could sit with Robert Mueller and get caught in a lie or even worse, get caught in the truth, which would be devastating.

The Wall Street Journal reports that Trump's lawyers put him through a four-hour practice session. They were only able to get through two questions. He's like the old lady from "The Notebook." "OK, first things first: Your name is Donald Trump and you're president of the United States. Go."

Trump's lawyers requested that he be able to answer the special counsel's questions in writing instead of in person. Robert Mueller said no. That makes sense. Look at his handwriting. [photo of Trump holding signed document with spiky signature] They'd have to bring in a cardiologist to translate it for them.

The president's lawyers don't trust him to answer questions but they do trust him to be president. It makes no sense at all.

The president is also said to be unhappy with his newest attorney, Rudy Giuliani. He's been making a mess on cable and network news. Trump is reportedly irritated and disappointed by the interviews Giuliani's been giving. He's like, "Look, I'll say the crazy stuff. You stick to pretending it isn't crazy." Can you imagine being so rambling, incoherent, and contradictory that even Donald Trump is like, "You're embarrassing me."

They say he may even ban Giuliani from doing any more interviews. I hope not. It would be like when they killed off Mr. Eko on "Lost." It's too soon.

    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Thursday Night, May 17

 Today was the one-year anniversary of the Russia investigation, and President Trump marked the occasion by tweeting, “Congratulations, America, we are now into the second year of the greatest witch hunt in American history.” I gotta to say, I’m excited because season two is when they start killing off the characters nobody likes.

According to The New York Times, a TV show featuring Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti and former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci was recently pitched to two cable networks. The show is called “The Very Good Lawyer and Anthony Scaramucci.”

The White House announced today that President Trump would donate his first quarter’s salary to the Department of Veterans Affairs. It’s just a little less money than he’s given to veterans of his affairs.

The CDC has announced that romaine lettuce is safe to eat again. So, I guess that’s what passes for good news these days. Romaine’s back!

IKEA’s launching a new credit card that offers rewards and perks for frequent customers, but it is a bitch to put together!

 Scientists claim to have succeeded transplanting a memory from the brain of one sea snail and implanting it into another. Or, more likely, snails live pretty similar lives.



Must See!: Exclusive photos of Obama as a child!

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