Tuesday Night, June 28
Donald Trump appears to be softening some of his anti-immigration views lately.
So it sounds to me like someone’s shopping for a new wife.
In Britain yesterday, 90-year-old Queen Elizabeth told reporters, “I’m still
alive.” It was in response to the question, “What’s the first thing you tell
Prince Charles every day?”
Today, Democrats said the committee investigating Hillary Clinton’s involvement
with Benghazi was a "witch hunt." Hillary tried to respond, but just then a
house fell on her.
On stage in Indianapolis, the Dalai Lama got a fit of the giggles. When asked
why he said, "For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I
finally got it."
A new porn site is donating a penny to charity each time someone watches one of
their porn videos. So finally, a reason to watch porn. Volkswagen's settlement
for its emissions cheating scandal is going to cost it nearly $15 billion. A
spokesperson for Volkswagen said, "We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were
founded by Hitler."
Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Tuesday Night, June 28
There's a thing called the Euro Cup soccer tournament. It's happening right now
in France. And yesterday, Iceland, the tiniest nation in the tournament, beat
powerhouse England 2-1. This is the worst thing to happen to England in four
Iceland is so deserted right now, it looks like Iceland.
After the shocking upset, the coach of the English team immediately resigned.
Just like British Prime Minister David Cameron did after the Brexit vote.
Just yesterday, Rio's acting governor warned the Olympics could be a "big
failure," which is actually an improvement, because until yesterday, it looked
like a massive catastrophe.
Corruption and crime aren't the only things plaguing the Olympics. There's also
actual plague, because fear over the Zika virus, which can cause birth defects,
has led some athletes to stay home and others to take special precautions, like
freezing their sperm. "What's going on in there?" "Don't open the door. I'm
training for the Olympics!"
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Tuesday Night, June 14
Today is Donald Trump's birthday! Trump may have turned 70, but his views about
women are 150 years old.
I imagine it's tough to get Trump a gift. What do you get the man who hates
At his party, they had cake, they had party favors, and they played some really
fun games, like "Pin the bad economy on the Obama."
The best part is, they didn't have to hire a clown.
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Friday Night, June 24
The UK officially voted to leave the European Union. It caused the British pound
to hit a 31-year low. You could tell Brits were struggling today. Queen
Elizabeth was wearing one of those cardboard crowns from Burger King.
Following the vote, British Prime Minister David Cameron actually resigned,
saying that the country needs new leadership. An American was like, “Can you
start here next January?”
It was such an important vote and it's good to know that people were making an
informed decision. Check out the number two trending topic in the UK while
people voted whether or not to leave the EU. "What is the EU?" Half the Britons
thought they were voting to leave the "EW."
The stars of the "Game of Thrones" have gotten huge raises and will make
$500,000 per episode next season. So when you see a character get killed off,
know that the suffering on the tape is real.
President Obama is apparently interested in owning an NBA team after he leaves
office. You'll know it's Obama's team when they travel too much and never pass
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tuesday Night, June 28
Not only is former Olympic gold medalist Caitlyn Jenner the first transgender to
be on the cover of "Sports Illustrated," she is also the first sequined person
on the cover.
Isn't that a little strange to put her on the "Where are they now?" issue?
Should have saved her for the "Who are they now?" issue.
It's tricky for journalists to write about Caitlyn Jenner, because she was a
65-year-old man, now she's a 2-year-old woman. She's a toddler with a gold
medal, which is impressive.
Barnes & Noble, the bookstore, has not been doing great. They have a new plan to
attract customers. They're planning to open four bookstores next year that serve
beer and wine. They hope that offering alcohol will encourage more people to
come in. To me this is clearly a Barnes idea; Noble would never be involved in
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Wednesday Night, June 22
Donald Trump gave a speech today on what he called the failed policies and bad
judgment of Hillary Clinton. And he's right, her judgment isn't always great,
but nobody will listen to him because his judgment is so much worse.
Anti-Trump Republicans have reportedly been re-energized by reports that Donald
Trump's campaign is having financial problems that could lead to an alternative
GOP nominee. "Awesome," said Jeb Bush, before slipping on a banana peel and
falling into a manhole.
Bernie Sanders today told reporters he's not sure if he will be asked to speak
at the upcoming Democratic convention. But he does know he won't be asked to
Ted Cruz today endorsed Marco Rubio's campaign for re-election in the Senate.
And when those two work together, there's nothing they can do.
Bernie Sanders admitted today that he doesn't believe he can become the
Democratic nominee. He also said it might be time to give up on his dream of
qualifying for the X Games.