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Cartoons Last Updated: December 11, 2017
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: December 11
Courtesy: Newsmax

Thursday Night, December 7

Vladimir Putin announced he’s running for reelection as president of Russia. Putin’s campaign slogan is “I Made America Great Again.”

During a speech on TV yesterday, President Trump was heard slurring. Trump denied it, saying, “I save all my slurs for Muslims.”

First lady Melania Trump and second lady Karen Pence visited Texas. Melania was overheard saying, “We’re near the border, let’s make a run for it.”

 Ireland will be collecting $15 billion from Apple in a settlement over back taxes. Ireland will receive the money on Friday, and Guinness will have it all by Monday.

A New York woman is suing her surgeon claiming he was on his cell phone during her operation. In response, the doctor said, “For your information, I was Googling ‘how to perform surgery.’”

Amazon is now making it possible to create a shopping profile for your cat. Yeah, all you have to do is go to Amazon and type in “I am single.”

The Late Late Show With James Corden
Thursday Night, November 30

The New York Times is reporting that Donald Trump is expected to fire his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson in the coming weeks. Or as Rex Tillerson is calling it, a Christmas miracle.

Honestly, Tillerson says he’s not paying attention to the rumors. And as the former head of ExxonMobil, he’s used to ignoring lots of leaks.

It’s not really surprising that Trump would fire Tillerson. If you remember, Rex Tillerson, over the summer, reportedly called Trump a, and I quote, a (bleep) moron. I don’t have a joke here, I just wanted to relive that fond memory.

Meanwhile, the co-author of Donald Trump’s book, “The Art of the Deal,” says that according to two secret sources, White House staffers are starting to express concern over the president’s mental health. Wow, that’s some great investigative journalism right there. Or he could have just checked Twitter!

I wish I could have seen the face Trump made when he heard people were saying he’s crazy. It was probably something like this: “Yeah, completely sane, completely sane.”

Anyone here have plans to travel over the holidays? Well, you might have to check your flights because American Airlines just experienced a computer glitch that has allowed all their pilots to take vacation at the same time, meaning that thousands of flights in December have no one to fly them. This is all part of American Airlines’ new campaign to make the rest of their services seem less awful. “Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot.”

This computer glitch could really screw things up for people flying on Christmas. It just gave time off to 15,000 pilots and eight tiny reindeer.

Have you guys heard about this robot Sophia? She’s one of the world’s most advanced artificial intelligence androids. Well, recently she announced, on her own, that she wants to have a baby. That may seem weird, but I bet she knows what she’s talking about. Her biological clock is an actual clock. If this happens, it’s gonna be a huge blow to single women with overbearing mothers out there. “So, I see robots are having babies before you.”

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Thursday Night, December 7

Yesterday, we finally got congressional testimony from Donald Trump Jr. His grilling by the House Intelligence Committee lasted roughly eight hours, making it the first time a Trump has put in a full work day.

Now, Don Jr. is not a lawyer, but still claims attorney-client privilege because “there was a lawyer in the room during the discussion.” Is that how it works? In which case, I’m going to rob a law firm. “All right, everybody, hands in the air. Remember, none of you can testify!”

Now, Donald Trump Jr. has long insisted that there was no follow-up to his meeting with Veselnitskaya. CNN got their hands on previously undisclosed emails that show a follow-up after the Trump Tower meeting. Wow. It seems like there’s no end to the number of emails Don Jr. is hiding. We need to see them all. Can anyone help? Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing.


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Thursday Night, December 7

Al Franken announced he is resigning from the Senate due to sexual harassment allegations. Other senators said he seemed heartfelt, contrite, and dignified and there’s no place for someone like that in the United States Senate.

Prince William said that Prince George just played a sheep in his school’s nativity play. Which raises the question, how rich were the other kids that Prince George wound up playing a sheep?

Mark Zuckerberg announced that he is taking a leave from Facebook to spend more time with his daughters. Like everyone who says they’re leaving Facebook, he’ll come back every hour to see how many likes his announcement got.

Hello Kitty is selling wine for the holidays. So if you’re someone who wants to order some Hello Kitty wine, I’m Chris Hansen from “Dateline.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, November 16

Astronomers have discovered a previously unknown planet only 11 light years from Earth that could possibly support human life. They call it Ross 128-b. Which sounds like a “Friends” spinoff where David Schwimmer is divorced from Rachel and forced to live alone in a sad apartment.

But it’s not, it’s a planet. It might have water, which would make it possible to sustain life. As far as they know, Donald Trump is not president there. Do you know NASA didn’t even start looking for new planets until after Donald Trump was elected president?

So they have a plan to test whether this new planet is habitable. This is interesting. They’re going to send Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey up there.

 Meanwhile, here on Earth, the House passed the GOP-backed tax plan today, which is very good news for billionaires and also just your average run-of-the mill millionaires too. The bill would shift the tax burden from the wealthy to people who really should be paying more, like college students.

    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Thursday Night, December 7

President Trump today hosted a Hanukkah reception at the White House. Trump loves Hanukkah, because no matter how he spells it, it’s probably right.

According to the New York Post, host Matt Lauer plans to disappear, play golf, and stay in the Hamptons after being fired. You hear that, Donald? If you let us fire you for sexual harassment, your life will be exactly the same.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to speculation about President Trump slurring his speech on Jerusalem yesterday, and said his throat was dry, and not, as we thought, completely missing.



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