Wednesday Night, November 30
This week, Sarah Palin said that God helped Donald Trump win the presidential
election. When he heard this, a furious Satan said, “Don’t I get credit for
Yesterday, Donald Trump had his third top secret intelligence briefing. If you’d
like to know the details, just check Trump’s Twitter feed.
At their dinner together, President-elect Donald Trump and Mitt Romney dined on
sautéed frogs legs. I don’t know about you, but eating frogs legs with Donald
Trump sounds like someone lost a bet.
Last night, Donald Trump and Mitt Romney had dinner together at an expensive
restaurant in New York City called Jean-Georges. The two billionaires dined on
fancy French cuisine and then talked about how out of touch Washington is.
In the next few years, the federal government is planning to forgive $100
billion of student debt. So, congratulations to six USC grads.
An expert panel has recommended that a medically-induced pregnancy made from
three people’s DNA could begin as early as next year. So finally some good news
for the Jonas Brothers.
Two Connecticut residents stole over $1,000 worth of candles from the Yankee
Candle Village. The suspects are being described as white.
The Late Late Show With James Corden
Wednesday Night, November 28
Yesterday Donald Trump sat down to dinner with Mitt Romney at Jean-Georges
French restaurant in the Trump International Hotel, because nothing says “man of
the people” like eating an $800 dinner in a tower you named after yourself.
If you are wondering what was on the dinner menu, Romney started by eating his
words. Then for the main course he swallowed his pride, dignity, and
If are you having trouble getting in the Christmas spirit you might want to move
to Japan, where Domino’s is doing a promotion where they say your pizza will be
delivered to your door step via reindeer. Even Santa Claus was like, “I don’t
believe this is real.”
In other weird Japanese news — or as they call it in Japan, news — there are
now plans for a park in Japan that will be a combination of a hot springs spa
and an amusement park. It either sounds nice or like a sanitary nightmare.
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Wednesday Night, November 28
Trump and Romney last night were dining at a four-star French restaurant called
Jean-Georges. Sounds fancy, but Jean-Georges could be French for “Waffle House.”
And they were joined by Reince Priebus, who is Trump’s chief of staff and not,
as you may think, an item on the menu. “Would you care to start with some
priebus? It has been lightly reince’d.”
The billionaire of the people ordered young garlic soup with thyme and sautéed
frogs legs. I thought he said he was going to drain the swamp, not eat its
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Wednesday Night, November 30
Tonight was the lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Thousands of
people waited for hours in the cold just to go, “Cool. Back to the hotel, let’s
go back to the hotel.”
The Obamas just had the White House decorated for their final Christmas before
they leave. They want to make it look nice for Santa, since he’s not coming back
for at least four years.
Trump and Mitt Romney were spotted having dinner here New York last night, and
everyone’s talking about Romney’s expression. It got even worse when the
spaghetti came and Trump said, “Ever see ‘Lady and the Tramp’?”
A Swiss company just released a new $250 drone that’s actually attached to a
rope that you hold in your hand. They say it helps to control the drone. It’s
great for first-time users — basically, it’s a really expensive kite.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, November 17
Today is National Unfriend Day, a.k.a. NUD. We started back in 2010. We try to
encourage those of you on Facebook to decide which of your Facebook friends are
actually friends and eliminate those who don’t make the cut. My mission is to
simplify your life and to bring meaning back to the word “friend,” which has
been cheapened. Also I like saying the word “NUD.”
It’s the social media equivalent of cleaning out your fridge. That guy who sat
behind you in freshman biology class who keeps posting about his 5K, he’s a
container of old beans. Throw him out today. That woman from accounting who
posted 30 pictures of her bird today, she’s a tub of cream cheese that has green
forming on it.
Unfriend every classmate, co-worker, neighbor, every lady from church who you
don’t know who has ever annoyed you. I won’t be happy until you log into
Facebook and see a blank white screen, and that’s the goal. Today is not the day
to make friends.
Donald Trump today had his first official meeting with a foreign leader as
president-elect. He met with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe in New York. The
meeting actually got off to a rocky start. Trump asked the prime minister if he
could teach him how to do the crane kick from “Karate Kid.”
Hillary Clinton was in our nation’s capital last night. She confessed there were
times in the past week she just wanted to curl up and never leave the house
again. That’s when Bill stepped in and said, “Oh, yes, she will.”
At the end of the speech, Clinton said America is still the greatest country in
the world — and then she got on a plane and flew to Sweden, where she will live
out her remaining days on Earth.
Donald Trump is planning a victory tour of the states he won. He’s planning on
holding a series of rallies starting sometime after Thanksgiving. Maybe this is
where he reveals it was all a prank.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Tuesday Night, November 22
According to reports, incoming White House chief of staff Reince Priebus tried
to get Donald Trump to cancel today’s meeting with The New York Times because
Trump could face questions he wasn’t prepared to answer. It’s the same reason he
canceled yesterday’s meeting with Highlights Magazine.
President Obama today awarded 21 people with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Said Obama, “You’re free! Quick, go before he sees you!”
Donald Trump said this afternoon that he was “surprised” one of his top picks
for secretary of defense is not in favor of waterboarding. Man, you think you
know somebody. And then they turn out to be a decent human being.
When asked this afternoon if he reads The New York Times, Donald Trump told
reporters, quote, “I do read it. Unfortunately. I’d live about 20 years longer
if I didn’t.” “Got your paper, sir!” said Mike Pence.
Apple’s top designer has created a special Christmas tree that does not feature
any lights or decorations. Said the designer, “I . . . didn’t know this was due