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Cartoons Last Updated: February 27, 2017
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: February 26
Courtesy: Newsmax

Thursday Night, February 16

The big news out of Washington right now is the press conference Donald Trump held this morning. Did everyone see it? No? Lucky you, sir.

This was in response to his secretary of labor withdrawing his nomination and Trump having to pick a replacement. Trump’s original pick, Andrew Puzder, is the CEO of Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr. But Puzder withdrew his nomination after it became clear he would not get confirmed. When asked what he was going to do next, Puzder said, “Please drive around to the second window and we can talk there.”

That’s how bad things are in the Trump administration right now. Someone asks you if you’d like to work in the White House and you’re like, “No thanks, I’d rather work at Carl’s Jr.”

As his replacement, Trump decided he needed a fast food leader with more political experience. Which is why the new nominee for labor secretary is none other than Mayor McCheese.

In this press conference, Trump claimed to have had the biggest electoral win since Reagan, and when a reporter pointed out that was false, Trump responded with — and I quote — “I’ve seen that information around.” Around? He saw this information “around?” What, like it was tacked to a bulletin board next to guitar lessons and a picture of a lost cat?

He said Hillary Clinton’s name 11 times during this press conference. Why is he still talking about Hillary Clinton? The election is over! Even lovesick teenage boys are like, “Move on, man. Let her go.”

The Late Late Show With James Corden
Thursday Night, February 23

The Conservative Political Action Conference kicked off today. This is a huge convention that Republicans attend, and this year they’ll have guest speakers like Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump. It’s basically two days of speeches followed by 19 days of fact checking.

During the convention today, Kellyanne Conway shot back at her critics, saying it turns it out there are a lot of women who just have a problem with women in power — says the lady who lied for a year to make sure a woman didn’t become president.

YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo’s live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is way too sexy, the problem is you.

A zoo spokesman said that their YouTube cam had been reported as containing nude content. All animals are nude! They’re all nude! Every one of them is nude except for your neighbor’s dog who has to wear those stupid dog outfits that he clearly hates.

Who watches a giraffe give birth anyway? What is that like? “Oh, I see a head, and now the neck — and neck — and neck — some more neck. Should we check back on this in an hour?”

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Thursday Night, February 23

This isn’t the only Obama action Trump’s rolling back. He’s going to repeal the Affordable Care Act, rescind environmental protections — he’s already replaced Michelle’s vegetable garden with a sandbox full of onion rings.

According to the administration this wasn’t about persecuting any group; it was strictly a legal concern [clip of Sean Spicer]: “The president has maintained for a long time that this is a states’ rights issue.” Oh, grow a pair! Is there a more cowardly phrase than “this is a states’ rights issue?” “Honey, do you like my new haircut?” “Uh, I’m gonna leave that decision up to the states.”

This was controversial, even within the administration. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos initially resisted signing off on it because of the potential harm that rescinding the protections could cause transgender students. But Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who has opposed expanding transgender rights, pushed DeVos to relent. “Aw, come on, Betsy, they won’t let me discriminate against black people. Just give me this one.”


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Thursday Night, February 23

One of the big stories everyone’s talking about is the immigration debate. Pope Francis has actually been tweeting Bible references that oppose President Trump’s travel ban. You know you’re doing something wrong when you’re getting cyber bullied by the Pope.

There are rumors that Russia’s compiling a psychological profile on Trump to help Putin get inside his head. You know, it’s so hard to get Trump to open up and talk about himself. He keeps a lot of stuff private.

Apple is criticizing Trump after he overturned the rule that lets transgender students use the bathroom of their choice. Apple says that regardless of your gender, everyone should be able to drop an iPhone into whichever toilet they want.

John McCain actually praised Trump’s new national security adviser, H.R. McMaster, calling him an outstanding choice and a man of genuine intellect, character, and ability. Then Trump said, “In that case, forget it. Get me Steven Seagal.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, February 16

There is so much going on in the world right now. Not just in the world, there’s a lot going on in the universe. For those of you who are looking to get off the planet, astronomers at the Carnegie Institution discovered more than 100 potential planets that may be habitable, which means we’re one step closer to finding a planet with intelligent life.

It’s exciting, especially for members of the scientific community — this is on the level of, like, a-woman-brushing-up-against-them-on-the-subway exciting.

This might not be the best time to make contact with aliens. They say, “Take us to your leader.” What do we do at that time? “Our leader’s a little busy on Twitter right now. How about we take you to Oprah? She’s nice, you’ll like her.”

There were demonstrations across the country today to protest the president’s immigration policy. Immigrants were encouraged to skip work today for what they called “a day without immigrants,” or as Steve Bannon calls it, “a good start.”

There were marches in Philadelphia and Austin, Washington. Here in L.A., with no immigrants — we have a lot of immigrants here in L.A. — people were forced to babysit their own children. Arnold Schwarzenegger had to impregnate a meter maid today. It was awful.

A lot of coverage of this important protest got lost because the president decided to hold an impromptu press conference, and it was a sight to see. It reminded me of something you’d see before a pay-per-view boxing event. I guess he did it because he’s mad and wanted to blow off some steam.

The tone of the press conference was like if your dad found a pack of cigarettes under your mattress. He was mad. Talked for an hour and 17 minutes, which is more than he’s spoken to Melania all this year, the whole year.

    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Thursday Night, February 23
White House press secretary Sean Spicer yesterday denied that the administration’s order revoking LGBT protections sparked a disagreement between Attorney General Jeff Sessions and Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. Spicer also denied that he got his job after putting a quarter in a machine and whispering, “I wish I were big.”

The NYPD sent out a message today telling residents that despite President Trump’s executive order, New York City will remain a safe place for all immigrants. “I’m counting on it,” [shows photo of Melania Trump] said one immigrant.

Today was International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day. There’s a party later tonight, but I heard it’s going to be a real snausage fest.

A new report projects that by 2020 the legal marijuana industry will create more than a quarter of a million jobs for people to be late to.

Chlamydia has reportedly become a major threat amongst Australia’s koala populations. Scientists first became aware of the problem after receiving a late-night text: [Koala] “We need to talk.”



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