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Cartoons Last Updated: July 20, 2018
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: July 18
Courtesy: Newsmax


Conan
Wednesday Night, July 11

I don't know if anyone watched soccer today. Yeah? Today, big story: Croatia beat England in the semifinals of the World Cup. Croatia won. Which is nice. It's really nice.

It's the first time in a while I've heard people say, "Way to go, Croatia." Something you don't hear all the time. "Good going, Croat." It's been a stressful week so far. First, 12 Thai soccer players were trapped in a cave with rising water, and now six world leaders are trapped in a summit with President Trump.

It's rough. It's come out that President Trump's new communications director has changed the White House lighting so Trump looks younger. Even more impressive, the new lighting makes Melania look happy.

 Sarah Palin is complaining that she was tricked and humiliated by comedian Sacha Baron Cohen. Yes — apparently 10 years ago he tricked Palin into thinking she was actually qualified to be vice president.

The founder of Papa John's Pizza used the N-word during a conference call about how to avoid bad publicity. Yeah. Of course, for Papa John's, the N-word is nutrition.


The Late Late Show With James Corden
Wednesday Night, June 13

According to a new article, President Trump has a habit of ripping up official documents when he is done with them. And because there's a legal requirement to preserve presidential records, White House staffers then have to piece the documents back together with Scotch tape. It's been a lot of work. They've already had to put the Constitution back together three times.

You start out dreaming of working in the White House, you're like, "I want to experience all that excitement while getting to serve my country." And you end up like a kid on a rainy family vacation. "Ooh, I've got a corner piece! Guys, we've almost got the whole border done!"

This week SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk personally handed out his latest and greatest new product to the first 1,000 customers who bought them online. And that product is… a flamethrower! This is something we were all crying out for. I mean, this is one way to get your neighbor to stop using a leaf blower at 7 a.m.

To get around existing laws, Elon Musk is calling the product Not a Flamethrower. Which is a great idea. I'm excited to use one of these "not a flamethrowers" to "not rob a liquor store."

Domino's Pizza announced this week that as part of a publicity campaign, the company will start to fill potholes in select towns across the country. Yes, yes, Domino's will be filling potholes — not to be confused with their normal job of filling potheads.

Seeing as it's Domino's, the asphalt is going to look like regular asphalt, but it's going to taste a little bit worse.

The crayon company Crayola has launched a new line of makeup based on its crayon colors. People who've tried the Crayola makeup say the colors are great, but they did have trouble staying inside the lines.

 Crayola says their new line of makeup is completely vegan. Wait, so are you telling me the makeup I've been eating has meat in it?


 
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Wednesday Night, July 11

It is the first full day of Donald Trump's trip to Europe. He's in Brussels for the NATO summit and then it’s on to England, and then he's going straight to hell — I'm sorry, Helsinki — to meet with Vladimir Putin.

As The New York Times put it, “Mr. Trump kicked off his meetings on a contentious note.” Contentious is his ONLY note! He's a human air horn.

Trump claims Germany is controlled by Russia because 35 percent of their natural gas comes from Russia. It's true, we're all controlled by the people who give us our gas, which is why I'm forever beholden to the Chevron on Route 3. When they invaded the Pizza Hut next door, I said nothing. What could I do?

 With everything going so badly in Europe, I'm sure Trump longs for the days of his summit with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. Remember? "No more nukes." [Trump voice] "You can sleep safe. Alan Alda, you can come home, your work is done."

Well, last week North Korea got a follow-up visit from Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. And now we're getting reports that Pompeo’s North Korea meeting went "as badly as it could have gone." I'm not surprised, sometimes the second date is rough. You go back to his place, you find out it’s full of executed relatives or worse, Limp Bizkit CDs.

 Another reason Pompeo didn't have a good meeting with Kim Jong Un: He didn't meet with Kim Jong Un. But Kim had a very good excuse. Turns out he was too busy visiting a potato farm to meet with the U.S. secretary of state. But to be fair, a lot of people have trouble telling the difference between Mike Pompeo and a potato. You say potato, I say Pompeo. Potato, Pompeo, let's call the nuke deal off.

Mike Pompeo had a gift for Kim that he never got to deliver. Remember when Donald Trump was threatening to blow up the world and calling Kim Jong Un “Little Rocket Man?” Well, he thought it would be fun to send Pompeo with an Elton John CD with the song “Rocket Man.” And the CD is signed. It’s not signed by Elton John; it's signed by President Trump. [Trump voice] “Dear Kim, I didn't write this, but I did listen to it. Put it on to remember that time I insulted your [genitals]. Stay sweet, have a great summer. — Don.”


 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Monday Night, July 16

Today, President Trump met with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Finland. Trump was pretty nervous, which makes sense, because most people are nervous when meeting their boss.

They met one-on-one and the meeting lasted for two hours — or about one hour and 58 minutes longer than his meeting with Stormy Daniels.

According to experts, Trump and Putin had a lot to negotiate in their meeting. Trump says the negotiations went great. Putin now controls New York and California, and in exchange, Trump got three magic beans.

But after their time together, Putin did say that the meeting went very well. In fact, it went so well that Putin said he might make Trump president for another four years.

Trump and Putin also held a press conference where Trump actually defended Putin and seemed to side with Russia over his own intelligence agencies. After the press conference, CNN, MSNBC, and even Fox News slammed Trump for his performance. Trump said he shouldn't jump to any conclusions until we hear what Cartoon Network has to say.

Before he met Putin, Trump was in the U.K., where he met Queen Elizabeth. It got off to a bumpy start when the first thing Trump told the queen was that he knows all the words to “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

This weekend France won the World Cup and they were led by a 19-year-old prodigy named Kylian Mbappe. After the game, Mbappe said winning the World Cup totally makes up for being named after a Hanson song.

The 12 boys who were rescued from a cave in Thailand last week are about to be released from the hospital. They said the first thing they want to eat is KFC. Then their doctor was like, “Dear God, haven’t your bodies been through enough?”



Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Monday Night, July 16

Today was maybe the strangest of all 542 bizarre days of Donald Trump's reign of error. The president's been to Europe, insulting our allies and rubbing his nipples up against our enemies.

On Friday he had tea with the queen — and on Friday, it seemed like a big deal that he walked in front of the queen, which is apparently a no-no, a royal faux pas. You’re not supposed to turn your back on the queen, or pour ketchup in her tea, or take the hat off her head and swat a fly with it. You're not supposed to do any of those things.

But that turned out to be nothing compared with what happened in Finland this morning. Helsinki has frozen over. The president of the United States today publicly sided with Russia over our own FBI on the subject of cyberattacks on our election campaign.

Trump had a meeting today with his KGB BFF, Vladimir Putin, and in an interview with CBS yesterday he said he was going into this meeting with low expectations. Yeah, we all were.

Trump and Putin met one-on-one with only their interpreters in the room for more than two hours. Reportedly, Trump wanted to meet with Putin alone because he didn't want his advisers to see him naked, which is natural.

And we probably should have known how this was going to go, based on this, because right off the bat [shows clip] you can see here Trump looks over at Putin as they sit down in front of the media, and gives him a little wink. Yeah, there you go — “Thanks for keeping that tape between us guys.”

After Trump was asked to weigh in on Russia’s role as hack master in the 2016 election — something the FBI, the Justice Department, and even Trump’s own secretary of state say happened, without question — Trump finally had the chance to publicly castigate Putin for trying to disrupt our democracy. This is what our commander in chief chose to do: [clip of Trump] “My people came to me, Dan Coats and some others, they said they think it’s Russia. President Putin just said it’s not Russia. I will say this: I don’t see any reason why it would be.” Well, I guess that settles it!

If you're wondering if Putin has an incriminating video of Donald Trump, we now know beyond a treasonable doubt that he does.

 This wasn't a good day for Donald Trump. We haven't seen an American so owned by a Russian since “Rocky IV.”


 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Monday Night, July 16

President Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin had a one-on-one meeting today that lasted over two hours. Ugh, poor Trump! That is a long time to hang out with your boss.

 In an interview with the newspaper The Sun, President Trump said immigration has changed the fabric of Europe, adding, "And I don't mean that in a positive way." Said Trump, "I mean it in a racist way.”

The Washington Post has published an article investigating where doves go after they're released at weddings [shows Popeyes logo] and you do NOT want to read the article.

Former first lady Michelle Obama attended a BeyoncĂ© and Jay-Z concert yesterday where she danced in the front row with BeyoncĂ©’s mother. This, according to a white woman on the phone with police.

Dunkin' Donuts is partnering with Harpoon Brewery to release a coffee-infused beer. Not to be outdone, Four Loko is now partnering with heroin.

The website Vice has published a new article profiling items found in the New York's subway system's Lost and Found. The most common thing lost on the subway? An hour and a half.

 


 
 




Must See!: Exclusive photos of Obama as a child!














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