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Cartoons
Cartoons Last Updated: August 24, 2016
Courtesy: Pooki18


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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: August 23
Courtesy: Newsmax
       

      

Conan
Monday Night, August 22
 
 In an interview with NBC’s Matt Lauer over the weekend, Ryan Lochte apologized for his "immature behavior." I don’t know if Lochte meant it, because he answered Lauer’s next question by responding, "Homo says what?"

The Olympics closing ceremony was held in Rio last night. There was an emotional moment at the end when they extinguished the Olympic torch by having Ryan Lochte urinate on it.

Scientists have discovered a painkiller that will not cause addiction. When asked for details about this miracle drug, scientists said, "OK, OK, it’s pot."

Donald Trump has been saying that Hillary Clinton looks unwell. Trump then admitted he thinks any woman over 35 looks like she’s dying.

This weekend, Donald Trump tried to win over black voters by asking them, "What the hell do you have to lose?" Coincidentally, that’s also the way he proposed to all three of his wives.

No one was hurt, everyone’s fine, but over the weekend, Leonardo DiCaprio and his model girlfriend were in a fender bender. DiCaprio and his girlfriend are being listed in highly doable condition.

McDonald’s has decided to remove fitness trackers from their Happy Meals. Apparently, many customers thought McDonald’s was just making fun of them.

KFC has come out with a sunscreen that makes you smell like fried chicken. Of course if you want to smell like KFC, you could just ride around in any single guy’s car.

Last week, Twitter introduced a "quality filter" that gets rid of tweets that contain spam, mean, or unwanted content. An hour later, Twitter filed for bankruptcy.  
      


Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Monday Night, August 22

 America just dominated the 2016 Olympics! That's right, we killed it. We got 121 medals! And I'm not surprised. I watched the Games here in the States — can't remember the channel — and from what I saw, apparently only Americans competed. 

Americans, and Usain Bolt. Of course, he's an honorary American, because Jamaica is basically tropical Colorado.

And the majority of those American medals were won by female athletes. So, boys, next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, say "Thank you."

You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, you're Olympic swimmers, you spend 90 percent of your lives in public pools. That's what the chlorine's for.

Today, Lochte lost all four of his sponsors, including Speedo. And that's got to hurt, because they've been his biggest supporter — well, not biggest, but crucial.
 


 
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Monday Night, August 22

 A big part of every closing ceremony focuses on where the next Olympics are going to take place. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe promoted the 2020 Tokyo Olympics by dressing up as Super Mario. Forget Mario, after watching that I felt like I was the one who had been on mushrooms all day.

 If I had told you last week that the Japanese prime minister was going to attend the closing ceremony with an intro that featured Hello Kitty and Super Mario, I definitely would have been called a racist.

The prime minister of Japan coming out of a pipe like Super Mario . . . This would be like if the Australian prime minister was carried on stage in the pouch of a kangaroo, and then said “G’day mates” and threw a boomerang.

A man in New Jersey passed away on Tuesday and it became clear that he was cheating on his wife when two obituaries, one by his spouse and the other by his girlfriend, appeared in the local paper, one above the other. I don't know what he died from, but I'm guessing it was from exhaustion.

One obituary names him as Leroy Bill Black while the other names him as Leroy Blast Black. I will let you figure out whether it was the wife or the girlfriend who called him Blast.

After being criticized on the MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” program, Donald Trump took to Twitter to attack hosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, alleging that they are having an affair. Trump tweeted, “Someday when things calm down I will tell the real story of Joe and his very insecure girlfriend Mika. Two clowns.”

Trump is reporting celebrity gossip. Like he is like half running to be “Prez” and half running to be Perez Hilton.

Also he says “when things calm down.” You're running for president; assuming you win, things are never going to calm down. Trump thinks it's going to be all right, he’s like, “Now that I have taken Iran, the debt crisis and ISIS, I can really blow this Joe Scarborough thing wide open. “

 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Monday Night, August 22

Congratulations to Team USA for winning over 100 medals! The most of any country, and my condolences to everyone who is behind them at airport security.

Donald Trump's campaign chairman Paul Manafort was forced to resign on Friday following news that he had pro-Russian ties. Which really upset Trump, because he insists having all his ties made in China.

There are life-sized nude statues of Donald Trump. They showed up in cities across the country. You'd be walking in the park, and you see this statue [shows images]. Forget building the wall, Trump should just put a bunch of those things at the border.

The New York City Parks Department actually released a statement on the naked Trump statue after they took it down. This is completely real — they said, "New York City Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, August 4

You know, there have been major electrical and plumbing issues in Rio. One athlete from Kenya wrote, "Please fix my toilet" on a bulletin board in the Olympic village. And you know, when someone who lives in Kenya's complaining about your plumbing, I think that's what they refer to as a wake-up call.

Sanitation is a big problem right now. The Olympic village is giving away thousands of condoms for the athletes to wear over their heads for the swimming events.

Surfing and skateboarding will make history for the Olympics in 2020, in that these will be the first sports in which athletes will be tested to make sure they are doping.

I want to wish a happy birthday to President Obama, who turned 55 today. Big celebration at the White House. The White House staff sang to him. Then the president blew out the candles on his vegan, whole-grain, carrot prune loaf.

Donald Trump also offered birthday wishes on Twitter this week. He wrote, "President Obama will go down as perhaps the worst president in the history of the United States." It's sweet, though, because he said "perhaps," and he wouldn't do that on any other day.

You know if Trump becomes president, he's definitely going to make his birthday a national holiday, right? "Sorry, Lincoln, you're a loser and you are out."

Our friends in North Korea are said to be working on a big new project. Sometime in the next 10 years North Korea is hoping to plant a flag on the moon. And by that they mean they're looking for someone who can Photoshop a picture of their flag on the moon. 

 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Monday Night, August 22

 The Olympics wrapped up over the weekend with the United States coming out on top in all medal counts. The U.S. brought home 46 gold medals, 37 silver, and four idiots.

That's right. Speedo has revoked their sponsorship of swimmer Ryan Lochte, and according to him, they did it at gunpoint.

Donald Trump's new campaign manager Kellyanne Conway yesterday told interviewers that she does not believe Trump hurls personal insults. She said, “Trump, you tell them, stupid.”

President Obama and the first family returned Sunday from their summer vacation in Martha's Vineyard only to find the locks had been changed.

Police in Australia are searching for a group of men seen releasing live crocodiles into a school building. Though, if you ask me, they should probably be searching for the crocodiles.

A man in Texas last week rode his horse into a Taco Bell restaurant — but, weirdly, he left alone.


 


 
 
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