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Cartoons Last Updated: November 17, 2018
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: October 3
Courtesy: Newsmax


Conan
Tuesday Night, September 25

The investment banking firm Goldman Sachs joined Instagram in an attempt to endear themselves to a new generation. Today, Goldman posted a meme that said, "We're the reason your parents lost your childhood home."

 At the U.N. today President Trump told world leaders that his administration has accomplished more than any in U.S. history, and the whole audience laughed. Trump was furious — 'cause for a few seconds he accidentally made some foreigners happy.

In his speech at the U.N. he also said that Iran's leaders "sow chaos and destruction." Trump then said, "Come on, man. That's MY thing."

Dunkin' Donuts announced next year they will shorten their name from Dunkin' Donuts to just "Dunkin'." And their customers will shorten the name of their disease from diabetes to just 'betes from now on.

 Scientists developed a robotic skin that can make stuffed animals appear to come to life. It's being hailed as a "breakthrough" for people who like to scare small children.


The Late Late Show With James Corden
Tuesday Night, September 25

President Trump gave a speech to the United Nations where he boasted of his achievements in office, and the world leaders in attendance responded with polite applause.

I am kidding. They laughed in his face. And they say Donald Trump can't bring people together. I mean, even Israeli and Iranian diplomats at the U.N. coffee machine were like, "All right, all right. Look, I know we are sworn enemies, but can we just talk about that Trump thing just for a second?"

Trump's Supreme Court nominee went on Fox News last night to defend himself. During the interview Brett Kavanaugh declared that despite even more sexual misconduct allegations, "he is not going anywhere." Not going anywhere. Man, this guy really needs to learn how to take "no" for an answer.

Kavanaugh defended himself by saying that he was a virgin in high school and for many years thereafter. I have got to say, if those are the qualifications, I should be on the Supreme Court. I should be Chief Justice Corden.

Ben & Jerry's just announced that they are going to be supporting seven progressive congressional candidates by promoting them with their own flavors of ice cream. This is such a brilliant political move. I mean, what is Trump going to do now — come out against ice cream? Now, personally I would like to thank Ben & Jerry's for giving me a reason to tell my wife why I am eating an entire pint of ice cream every night. "No. It is for the future. We have to leave our children a better world. That's all this is."

In the interest of fairness and equal time, Ben & Jerry's is also coming out with flavors for some conservative politicians. Here's the one they made for House Speaker Paul Ryan: Vanilla. And Sen. Mitch McConnell: They went with Vanilla. And Vice President Mike Pence got Blinding White Vanilla — now with extra vanilla.



 
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Friday Night, September 28

Everybody is still talking about the big Kavanaugh-Blasey Ford hearing yesterday. One assumes. I don't know. I actually taped this monologue yesterday, which means I can't tell you what happened regarding Brett Kavanaugh — which, based on his drinking, seems to be something I have in common with Brett Kavanaugh.

There's one thing that unites us: None of us can figure out how our computers work, not even Robert Mueller, who was spotted this week at the Apple Genius Bar. [Imitating Mueller] "Let's just say, hypothetically, someone lost a very, very important file. It's called ivankaconfession.pdf. I know it's here somewhere. Also, can you remove Russian spyware from a person's skull?"

And you'll notice that Mueller's wife is next to him, so this might not be Russia-related at all. [Imitating Mueller's wife] "Oh, so you can pull off the biggest investigation in decades, but you can't get my iPhoto to stop going into slide-show mode?"


 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Friday Night, September 28

Next week, first lady Melania Trump is going to Africa on a humanitarian visit. When she gets there, people will be like, "How can WE help YOU?"

Africa will be Melania's first big solo trip as first lady. In response Donald was like, "I love Africa. It's my favorite song by Toto."

Canadians are now eligible to compete on "Survivor." Which will be great until they all politely vote themselves off.

Alaska Airlines might start giving out virtual reality headsets to first-class passengers. Meanwhile, if you're in coach, they just duct tape an in-flight magazine to your forehead.

IHOP is now making their own beer. It's perfect for people who think Waffle House beer is just a little too trashy.

Dunkin' Donuts is changing their name to just Dunkin'. This has some loyal customers nervous about what else is changing about the stores. So we thought we'd put people's minds at ease and let you know all the things that are not changing at Dunkin'. For instance, they'll keep making jelly sticks, even though no one has ordered one since 1997.

Next up, when you're hung over, there will always be a dad in front of you who lets his kid slowly pick out a dozen doughnuts.

And finally, the condiment caddy will continue to be stocked with zero sugar, zero Splenda, and 5,000 packets of Equal. New name. Same old Dunkin'.

You can now take at-home STD tests. Healthcare experts say it's perfect for anyone who likes to panic in the comfort of their own home.

A new study found that hand dryers in bathrooms spread more germs than paper towels. And the makers of hand dryers said, "But don't forget, we also don't dry your hands."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, September 13

In New York today the polls were open for a star-studded Democratic primary for governor. The incumbent, and heavily favored, Andrew Cuomo found himself squared off against an actress, Cynthia Nixon from "Sex and the City," who challenged the sitting governor in spite of having no political experience. That doesn't surprise me. Cynthia Nixon, she's such a Miranda.

 Secretary of State Mike Pompeo joined Instagram this week, which is odd. This was his first post. Declaring his department the Department of Swagger. [photo of Pompeo fist-bumping a woman in front of a crowd under an arch that says "Department of Swagger"] That's real. You know, between the Space Force and the Department of Swagger? This Trump administration has really given us an exciting look at what the government could be if it were run by a wealthy 12-year-old.

The FDA is said to be cracking down on teenage vaping. Vaping for those who don't know is the reason your Uber smells like pineapple turpentine whenever you get in it.


 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Tuesday Night, September 25

After President Trump claimed during his address to the U.N. General Assembly today that he has accomplished more than any other president in history, world leaders in the audience laughed in response. And you know it was crazy, 'cause even the Germans laughed.

President Trump claimed that he has accomplished more than any other president in history, and world leaders in the audience laughed, though technically they were still laughing from when he said, "Hello, I'm the president of the United States."

 A judge today sentenced Bill Cosby to three to 10 years in a state prison for sexual assault. Man, what happened to all our beloved sitcom idols from the '80s? Cosby's in jail. Roseanne went racist. I hope Ted Danson isn't here tonight to confess to a string of murders.

The Secret Service this week unveiled the first update to the presidential limo since 2009. It is filled with a wide range of medical supplies, including a refrigerator full of President Trump's blood type, which I assume is "chunky-style."

President Trump said in a new interview that he is an "absolute 'no' on possible statehood for Puerto Rico." And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont.

Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh and his wife sat down last night for an interview on Fox News, during which he claimed that he was a virgin in high school and for many years after. First thing, it does not matter if you are a virgin. You are being accused of sexual assault, not sexual intercourse. Those things have nothing to do with each other. It's the same as saying "I couldn't have robbed that bank, I'm a virgin."

Devoting yourself to celibacy doesn't mean you can't be a sexual assaulter. Just ask thousands of priests.

Also stop saying that you are friends with women. That's not a defense. Just because you're friends with one woman doesn't mean you haven't been awful to another. That's like saying you're a vegetarian because you didn't eat your dog.


 


 
 



















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