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Cartoons
Cartoons Last Updated: July 24, 2017
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: July 23
Courtesy: Newsmax


Conan
Thursday Night, July 13

Republican House Speaker Paul Ryan is calling for stronger sanctions against Russia for its election meddling. Ryan said, “We must keep Russia out of our elections until we need them again in 2018.”

Republican House Speaker Paul Ryan is calling for stronger sanctions against Russia for its election meddling. Ryan said, “We must keep Russia out of our elections until we need them again in 2018.”

The new Republican healthcare bill is out, and the bad news is, older people still pay more than younger people. Of course the good news is, they don’t pay more for long.

Kid Rock has officially announced his candidacy for the U.S. Senate. Kid Rock says he wants to restore America back to a better time when it would have been unimaginable for Kid Rock to run for the U.S. Senate.

NBC’s long-running reality show “The Biggest Loser” has been canceled. Or as NBC put it, “We just lost 30,000 pounds.”

A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” just joined SEAL Team 6.


The Late Late Show With James Corden
Thursday Night, June 22

You remember a month ago Donald Trump tweeted: “James Comey better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press.” Well, guess what, today Trump tweeted, “I have no idea whether there are ‘tapes’ or recordings of my conversations with James Comey. But I did not make and do not have any such recordings.” He’s now fact-checking himself!

Of course Trump doesn’t have a tape. Secretly taping someone would require thinking ahead — and show me one time that this president has done that.

But yeah, it turns out Trump didn’t record Comey, there are no tapes. The main reason for this is that people haven’t used tapes since 1992.

At a rally in Iowa last night, Trump unveiled a new plan for his long-proposed border wall [clip of Trump]: “We're thinking about building the wall as a solar wall so it creates energy and pays for itself.” A solar wall. Now he’s literally blowing sunshine up our [butts].


 
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Tuesday Night, July 18

I have some sad news tonight. As of 10:48 p.m. eastern last night, the GOP healthcare bill was pronounced dead of terminal sucking.

I'm heart broken, too. You cover the pain. It was always a longshot because the Republicans control only all three branches of government. Can't be expected to do everything.

It is hard to overstate the level of failure here. The GOP crushed their car at 90 miles an hour into a cliff with a grin on their face.

It's like if Batman vs. Superman took a Pontiac Aztec to Blockbuster Video to rent "The Lone Ranger" and watch it on laser disc. That's how badly they failed.

 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Thursday Night, July 20

If any of you call an Uber any time soon, you might want to make sure it’s not a white Ford Bronco. I’m just saying. That’s right, O.J. Simpson was officially granted parole today and could be out of jail by October. When asked what he plans to do first, he said, “Well, catch up on all the shows about O.J.”

 A lot of people didn’t know how to feel about the news. On one hand, O.J. is a convicted felon. On the other hand, he managed to keep Trump off TV for a whole afternoon. So it’s kind of a community service.

The other big story is this interview President Trump did with The New York Times. And the paper said that he made several false claims. And Trump was like, “But you chose to print them, so once again, fake news.”

The identities of the people who attended the meeting between Donald Trump Jr. and the Russians keep coming out. It’s making some people in Washington very nervous. So they’re actually coming forward with their alibis to just prove that they weren’t there. For example, Chris Christie said, “I was busy shutting down Coney Island so I could ride The Cyclone by myself.”


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, July 20

As you probably heard by now, this afternoon the Nevada State Parole Board unanimously voted to grant O.J. parole. He served nine years for armed robbery. O.J. Simpson, for those of you too young to remember, is the second most embarrassing person associated with the Kardashian family. Right after Scott Disick.

He could be released by Oct. 1, on which date he’ll be picked up at the Lovelock Correctional Facility via helicopter and flown directly to the set of “Dancing with the Stars.” Or “Bachelor in Paradise.” Whichever one’s in production.

A number of cable networks including ESPN broadcast the hearing live, which wasn’t a surprise. You know, O.J. Simpson has been on TV longer than Homer Simpson. So he’s a big draw.

 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Tuesday Night, July 18

President Trump said in a new interview that he had regrets about appointing Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Sessions said today that he will continue to serve as long as it is appropriate. So only until about 1955.

 President Trump said yesterday that he went to speak with Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit dinner because he was seated next to the wife of Japanese Prime Minister Abe, who spoke no English. Which means they had at least one thing in common.

Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube. While the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones.

The creators of HBO’s “Game of Thrones” announced they are developing a new show that imagines what it would be like if the Confederacy successfully seceded from the United States. Well, give it a couple years and it might be a documentary.

 


 
 




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