Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Congressman
Thursday Night, March 11
10. "Oh, suddenly I'm gay because
I roll on the floor
tickling men?"
9. "Four o'clock — gropin' time!"
8. "Whoops, came to work naked again!"
7. "Too much mint, not enough julep"
6. "Filibuster? I hardly know her!"
5. "You're not wearing a wire, are you?"
4. "Look, I don't know what snorkeling is, but stop doing it to me"
3. "What would Eliot Spitzer do?"
2. This (video of Massa admitting to groping staffers)
1. "Mind if I do a little polling?
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The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Wednesday Night, March 10
Today on “The Early Show,” Harry Smith got a live colonoscopy. I am so proud
to be a part of this network.
Happy birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 78 today. I don’t want to say he’s getting
old, but he broke his hand trying to cut the cake.
There are rumors that the Obama administration may ban fishing in lakes. Fox News
is saying “Obama wages jihad on fisherman,” and NPR says “Obama protects aquatic
unicorns,” and I don’t know who to believe.
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Ted Nugent Interview
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter
from Michigan, was being interviewed by
a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer
hunting.
The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer
before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who
killed my brother?
Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about
is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast
enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.'
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Baracky Road
Courtesy: docroche
In honor of the 44th
President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor:
" Barocky Road ."
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts
and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually
denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $100.00 per scoop.
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after
you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line
behind you at no charge.
You are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding an empty cone and a bitter
taste in your mouth, with no hope of getting any ice cream.
Are you stimulated?
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The Jay Leno Show
Thursday Night, March 11
Police are now investigating a runaway Toyota Prius in
New York state. It turns
out to be the same one from the other day in California.
In fact, I saw a bumper sticker on a Prius today that said, “I’d like to brake for
animals, I just can’t.”
Happy birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 70 this week. He was on a show called
“Walker, Texas Ranger.” Now he has a new show called “Texas Ranger With a Walker.”
The richest man in the world is now Carlos Slim from Mexico. When I heard that name,
I thought it was a new Mexican weight-loss program.
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Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, March 11
Tiger Woods is reportedly planning a return to golf. It will be nice to see him
getting back to what he does best, or at least second-best.
A new study says that women who drink moderate amounts of alcohol every day lose
more weight than women that don’t drink at all. At least, that’s what your wife
will slur to you after she forgets to pick up the kids from soccer practice.
Heidi Montag has fired her husband Spencer Pratt as her manager, and hired a psychic
instead. Do you really need a psychic to tell you that you can’t dance, sing, or
act?
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Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
Thursday Night, March 11
One of Eric Massa’s former shipmates says he used to give his subordinates massages
and called them, “Massa massages.” Which is why the Navy’s policy toward Massa was
“Don’t ask . . . because it's pretty obvious isn't it?"
Massa’s old roommate in the Navy said he woke up one night to find Massa in his
bed, trying to “snorkel” him. I don't know what snorkeling someone is, but I'm gonna
go out on a limb and say it doesn't involve a snorkel.
It turns out Eric Massa was living in a house in D.C. with a bunch of young, single
male staffers. Massa described the house as just a bunch of guys doing guy stuff.
While the male staffers described it as a den of awkwardness.
Karl Rove’s memoir “Courage and Consequence” is the best-selling book on Amazon.com.
The book costs $19.99, but it comes with free shipping and "mishandling."
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The Messiah
The IOC stunned
the world this morning when they awarded U.S. President Barack Obama a gold medal
for Men's Skiing. Even though he's never skied.
An IOC spokesman
said "Barack Obama is going downhill faster than anyone this year."
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