Thursday Night, September 22
The presidential debate on Monday is expected to pull in huge ratings. In fact,
the whole country has “Lester Holt Fever.”
There’s a rumor that one in 10 Europeans is conceived in an Ikea bed. So people
putting together Ikea furniture are at least using one tool correctly.
Media experts say Monday night’s presidential debate will have a Super
Bowl-sized TV audience. Of course, the Super Bowl audience drinks for fun, but
Monday’s debate audience will be drinking out of sheer terror.
Six members of the cast of “The West Wing” are going to campaign for Hillary
Clinton at an event in Ohio. The move has backfired, though — now everyone in
Ohio is voting for Martin Sheen.
Environmentalists are trying to get the bumblebee added to America’s endangered
species list. Then they changed their minds after they were at a picnic for five
There’s a new startup in India that will deliver condoms within 30 minutes. Or
as every guy calls that, “Way too late.”
Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Monday Night, September 19
This weekend some jerk placed pressure cooker bombs in a couple different places
around New York City. Thankfully, no one was killed, and everyone who was
injured is out of the hospital. At this point, can't we assume that any New
Yorker buying a pressure cooker is up to no good? No one who lives here cooks.
In fact, if you don't have a Seamless account, the FBI has some questions for
One reason that more people weren’t hurt is that this jerk left duffel bags on
the street, and two of the bombs were discovered by thieves snatching bags.
Because, as all New Yorkers know: If you see something, steal something.
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Wednesday Night, September 21
President Barack Obama appeared before the U.N. General Assembly for the final
time in his presidency to announce that the U.S. would be admitting 110,000
refugees in the coming year. Now the refugees will include people fleeing
dangerous places like Syria, Libya, Florida...
This might sound like a lot of people, 110,000 people are coming in, but you’ve
got to remember millions will be fleeing if Trump is elected.
Obama announced this today, the day after a tweet by the Trump campaign
comparing refugees to poisoned Skittles. Obama was basically like, “It was going
to be 100,000, but after your little Skittles tweet, it’s now 110,000.”
Emma Watson gave a speech about gender inequality on college campuses. If there
is one issue Emma Watson is familiar with, it is large educational institutions
being run by an old white guy.
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Friday Night, September 23
A White House email account was hacked and a lot of their information was leaked
yesterday. They're saying the information was stolen from the Gmail account of a
low-level staffer. Then Joe Biden was like, "Technically, my title is vice
Mark Zuckerberg's wife, Priscilla, says their 10-month-old daughter won't be
allowed to sign up for Facebook until she's 13 because she has to follow the
rules. That's so sweet that she thinks teens will still be into Facebook in 13
New data finds that more Americans are bringing their own lunch to work every
day. As evidenced by the inside of your break room microwave that looks like a
triple homicide just took place.
It was reported today that due to his role in the Bridge-gate scandal, New
Jersey Gov. Chris Christie could face impeachment. When he heard that, Christie
said, "MMM, peach, mint."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, September 22
You wouldn’t know it from walking around in Hollywood, but today is the first
official day of fall. Autumn is upon us and summer is gone. I don’t know. It’s
kind of sad. How am I supposed to pick out a Halloween costume? I didn’t have
time to get bikini-ready.
Some people are trying to figure out what they’re wearing for Halloween. It’s
hard for me to relate to. If you’re looking for a political costume, I saw this
online, you can be Sexy Hillary Clinton. It’s just Hillary with no pants on.
That’s how she got pneumonia, by the way. Or you can be Sexy Donald Trump — or
maintain a shred of dignity and be neither of them for Halloween.
The only person I can imagine dressing up as Sexy Donald Trump for Halloween is
Donald Trump himself.
And neither Sexy Trump nor Sexy Clinton is half as disturbing as Sexy Bernie
Sanders. He distributes the candy evenly throughout the neighborhood.
Yahoo today announced that at least 500 million user accounts have been hacked,
which would be one of the biggest cyber security breaches ever.
They got information from 500 million people who are still inexplicably using
Yahoo. They believe it was by a state-sponsored actor like Russia or North
Korea, or maybe the Belgians are up to something. Whatever country it was is
unaware no one has signed up for a Yahoo account since 1996.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Thursday Night, September 22
Sen. Elizabeth Warren said yesterday that Donald Trump is too chicken to release
his tax returns. Too chicken? I don’t know. He looks more like ham to me.
Donald Trump said yesterday that there will be a great place for former
presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson in his administration if he wins. Although
I’m guessing it won’t be secretary of energy.
A new poll has found that almost 70 percent of voters say they have concerns
about Donald Trump’s rhetoric. And the other 30 percent said [shows photo of
Trump’s sons], “Which one’s Rhetoric?”
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced a $3 billion initiative yesterday, to
cure or manage all diseases within the next lifetime. Hopefully to include
whatever disease it is that makes my aunt think I want to play Candy Crush Saga.
Amazon in Japan is now offering a priest delivery service for Buddhists who
don’t have a local temple. The box may look empty when it arrives, but after you
gaze into it you realize the priest was inside you all along.