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Cartoons Last Updated: April 24, 2017
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: April 23
Courtesy: Newsmax

Thursday Night, April 20

After allegedly sexually harassing his fellow employees, Bill O’Reilly is leaving Fox News with a severance worth $25 million. So with that in mind, I’d just like to say to Andy, "Nice rack."

Sarah Palin visited the White House last night along with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. All three expressed their regrets that Honey Boo Boo couldn't make it.

Last night, Donald Trump hosted a dinner at the White House that was attended by Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock. The dinner was interrupted when an episode of "Cops" broke out.

Today is 4/20. 4/20 is that special day of the year when everyone who smokes pot continues to smoke pot.

Today, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un warned that he might unleash a “super mighty preemptive strike.” When she heard, Mrs. Kim Jong-un rolled her eyes and said, "Trust me, I wouldn’t worry about it."

Scientists have developed a new kind of robot that is able to shoot a gun. In fact, earlier today, I was carjacked by my Roomba.

Major League Baseball is planning to have a "Game of Thrones" theme night at stadiums across the country. Instead of bobbleheads, fans will receive actual severed heads.

A man is suing Grindr because over 1,000 men showed up at his place of business demanding sex. Though in fairness, the man does work at "Al’s House of Crullers and Anonymous Gay Sex."

The Late Late Show With James Corden
Wednesday Night, April 19

One person who hasn’t had a great day is Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly, who has been fired from the network after years of multimillion-dollar sexual harassment suits. I mean Fox News had no choice. They have a very strict “28 strikes and you’re out” policy.

This is a lesson for all of us: If you behave like an animal who sexually harasses women, you can’t host a talk show. You can be president, but you can’t host a talk show.

In addition to being cable’s top rated host, O’Reilly has written a number of best-selling books including “Killing Lincoln,” “Killing Reagan,” and “Killing Kennedy.” And I really look forward to his next book, “Killing Time at Home.”

A packet of McDonald’s discontinued Szechuan sauce from 1998 just sold on eBay for nearly $15,000. This has created such a buzz, the bidding got so high, that McDonald’s is thinking of bringing the Szechuan sauce back. To which the guy who just spent 15 grand said “Wait, you’re going to what now?”

The nation’s first drive-through marijuana dispensary is opening tomorrow in Colorado. Also, down the street will be the world’s most successful DUI checkpoint.

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Wednesday Night, April 19

Bill O’Reilly has been fired by Fox News. It’s not that big of a surprise. We all saw this coming at us, you know, like an old man cornering an intern in the break room.

 Fox issued an official statement this afternoon on O’Reilly’s dismissal. I think they just took the Roger Ailes statement and just changed the nouns.

They celebrated O’Reilly’s career, saying, “By ratings standards, Bill O’Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news.” By rating stands he is. By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage.

Huge election last night in Georgia’s 6th District. It was an unusual election. It was what’s called a “jungle primary,” because like every election this year, it will probably end in madness and cannibalism.

Sure enough, Ossoff only got 48.1 percent of the vote. If he had gotten over 50 percent of the vote, he would have won outright, but he got less than the majority, so now I think he gets to be president of the United States. Is that how it works?


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Thursday Night, April 20

In honor of 4/20, Ben and Jerry's introduced a new menu item that's an ice cream waffle cone taco with fudge called a "Choloco." Or as stoners put it, "You had us at ice cream . . . And then you had us at waffle and then cone and then taco!"

Legal marijuana in South Dakota could help boost funding for teachers. And teachers said, "Well, screw the money. Just give us the weed."

Last night, Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock met with Trump in the Oval Office — or as they're more commonly known, "The redneck Holy Trinity."

The New England Patriots visited the White House, and Patriots star Rob Gronkowski interrupted Sean Spicer's White House press briefing and asked if he needed help. Reporters all laughed while Sean Spicer whispered, "Yes."

Chelsea Clinton recently said that when her mom traveled, she would leave a note for her every day that she was gone. Though every day the note just read, "Keep an eye on your father."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, April 20

In case you either don't know or are too high to remember, it’s 4/20. I don't know if this is a thing for the whole country, but it's a big deal around these parts. The whole state smells like it ran over a skunk the size of Godzilla.

 People really get into the spirit here. Here's the thing: The truth is, if you're celebrating 4/20 today, chances are you were celebrating it yesterday. And the day before that too.

Between Easter and 4/20, this has been a huge week for eating candy and rolling stuff.

Marijuana is legal here in California by state law. But it's still technically illegal, according to federal law. So the LAPD, the police, can't arrest you for having pot but an FBI agent can. It's confusing, right? Now imagine trying to understand that while you're high.

 In other smoking-related news, the mayor of New York yesterday proposed a new bill that would raise the price of cigarettes to what would be the highest in the country. If the bill passes, a pack of cigarettes would cost $13 in New York. The only place where cigarettes would cost more is prison.

Mayor Bill de Blasio says that when it comes to the health of New Yorkers, big tobacco is enemy No. 1. Enemy No. 2 is pizza.

Time magazine today released its annual list of the “100 Most-Influential People in the World.” Making the list this year, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Pope Francis, James Comey, and of course, Donald Trump. Hillary Clinton did not make the list. Which is really crazy. Hillary Clinton influenced a whole half of a country to vote for Donald Trump for president. You'd think that would be worth something.

 Paul Ryan, speaker of the House, wrote the profile of Donald Trump. That's what they do, have famous people write the profile of other famous people. He said Trump always finds a way to get it done. He does? Other than his hair, what did he get done? Can't even get his wife to move in with him.

 Last night, President Trump had a very important meeting in the Oval Office with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. How the hell did they get into the White House? Kid Rock is not even allowed in a Waffle House.

    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Thursday Night, April 6

President Trump today met with the president of China at his Mar-a-Lago resort. And things got off to an awkward start when Trump said, “I thought you were really funny in the ‘Hangover’ movies.”

A New Jersey man recently admitted to stealing $20,000 worth of ginger ale from a grocery store. He said he wasn’t planning on stealing so much, he just got Schwepped up in it.

A new study found that plastic surgeons make an average of $354,000 per year. “I am shocked,” said one woman’s face but not her mouth.

 A so-called Museum of Failure is opening in Sweden this June. Though, if you can’t wait that long, [shows photo of White House] check out the pop-up exhibit in Washington.



Must See!: Exclusive photos of Obama as a child!

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