Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Thursday Night, April 21
Now I don't know if you guys are Anglophiles or anything, but if you are, if you
are into England, it's Queen Elizabeth's birthday today. She is turning 90 years
old. She is the first queen to ever reach that age. There would have been others
but they were beheaded.
Queen Elizabeth is having her portrait done by Annie Leibowitz. She's releasing
a new stamp in her honor in May. There is a public celebration of her birthday.
In June there is a service at St. Paul's plus a big parade — and she gets to
wear her birthday tiara all year long.
If you think that you're worried about what is going to happen in this race,
just consider Reince Priebus, RNC chairman and man whose name is an anagram for
“crisp bee urine.”
Monday Night, May 2
At a Ted Cruz rally, Carly Fiorina fell off the stage and Cruz didn’t help her
up. The entire crowd immediately began chanting, “Metaphor! Metaphor!”
As Bernie Sanders' campaign is winding down, he had to fire hundreds of staff
members. Now Bernie is down to a campaign director, a speechwriter, and a
22-year-old whose job is to keep explaining to him what Snapchat is.
At a Ted Cruz rally, a young boy yelled "you suck" at Ted Cruz. In other words,
there is hope for America’s future after all.
Donald Trump criticized Hillary Clinton today for making a remark he says is
offensive to Native Americans. Trump’s exact words were "you stole my speech."
In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman has broken the world record for the
100-yard dash in her age group. She won with the record-setting time of
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Monday Night, May 2
A report came out last week that members of ISIS are trying to fake doctor's
notes to get themselves out of front line duty. Imagine a member of ISIS calling
in like, "Hey guys, I have actually got a bit of a cough and don't think I can
go to the suicide bombing today."
It's weird to think that this organization, which is so dangerous, has employees
who are just like, "Oh, Mondays."
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Monday Night, May 2
May is finally here! Yep, it’s that special time of the year when the Earth puts
the weather on "Random Shuffle."
The White House Correspondents' Dinner was on Saturday, and President Obama
ended his speech by saying “Obama out” and literally dropping the mic. Then
Hillary Clinton caught the mic mid-air and said, “LET'S DO THIS!”
During an after-party following the Correspondents' Dinner, a fight broke out
between reporters at Fox News and The Huffington Post. But no major details came
out about the fight – 'cuz it was only witnessed by CNN reporters.
The White House announced yesterday that Malia Obama will attend Harvard
University, but that she plans to take a year off before starting. Malia got the
idea after seeing how much fun her dad is having with HIS year off.
Now that weed is starting to become legal in more and more places, big companies
have started to take notice. In fact, Walgreens just published an article about
the possible health benefits of medical marijuana. While CVS said it's just
excited to watch stoners try and use its self-checkout machines.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, April 28
Today is Take Your Kid to Work Day. It's really the most uncomfortable day of
the year for the adult film industry. Take Your Kid to Work Day is a great
opportunity to teach your children why you come home miserable every night.
I brought my daughter, Jane, to work with me today and she wasn’t good at it.
She's almost two. They really should schedule Take Your Daughter to Work Day
with Girl Scout Cookie Day.
It's important to let them come to our jobs so they can see where we spend all
day looking at Instagram and checking Facebook.
It's also NFL Draft Day. This is where we get to find out how great the next
Papa John's spokesperson will be.
Congress passed a bill to declare the American bison national mammal of the
United States. So finally Republicans and Democrats have managed to reach across
the aisle to pass a meaningless piece of legislation.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Wednesday Night, April 27
The White House Correspondents' Dinner was this weekend.
President Obama said it was fun. Larry Wilmore said he was honored. And Bernie
Sanders said the portions were too small.
Indiana is holding its primary tomorrow, and Donald Trump is currently leading
Ted Cruz by 15 points. While John Kasich still holds a narrow lead over "Not
A 100-year-old Brooklyn woman has become the oldest runner to ever cross the
finish line in the 100-meter dash. On the down side, she started the race in
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson put out a new alarm clock app today which includes a
feature that will sync with The Rock's calendar so fans can wake up at the same
time as him. After that, your day and his day start to diverge pretty wildly.
The parents of a baby who was recently born on a Jetstar plane have announced
that they are naming him after the airline. Baby Jetstar is now at home joining
his older sister, Megabus.