Thurday Night, June 25
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is running for president. This is historic. He's
a 44-year-old Indian-American whose real first name is Piyush. After hearing
about it, President Obama said, "A young, non-white guy with a crazy name? Good
luck with that."
Governor Jindal announced he's running for president by releasing a video in
which he and his wife tell their kids he's running. Then his son said, "Dad, you
have no chance. What are you doing?"
At the Chicago Cubs game on Tuesday, people were surprised when a fan caught a
foul ball while feeding his baby. People were shocked — not that he was holding
a baby but because someone wearing a Cubs hat caught a ball.
According to a new survey, Pizza Hut's new hot dog pizza is the second worst
pizza in America. Which explains their new slogan: “Pizza Hut — not the worst
pizza in America.”
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Thursday Night, June 18
According to The New York Times, one of the biggest doping scandals in the
history of track and field is coming to light. It involves Russian athletes in
the sport of racewalking — or as it's known to the billions of people who do it
every day, "hurrying up."
I believe you should always play by the rules. But I understand why there might
be cheating in a sport where the rules are, "Go as fast as you can, except
You need just the right drugs for racewalking. What do you tell your dealer?
"Yeah, man, just a half-dose. That stuff you gave me last time was really
strong. It nearly made me break into a jog."
It's a bad sign if you can't distinguish between a sport and a group of people
rushing to the bathroom. Doping for racewalking is like robbing a bank that you
know has only $2 in it.
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Monday Night, June 29
After Donald Trump's derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially
canceled "Celebrity Apprentice." Donald Trump isn't even president yet and he's
already made America a better place.
Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said
marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife. Greece has
closed their nation's banks today in response to its escalating financial
Greece said, "We'll bounce back. We've just had a rough 2,000 years."
At last night's B.E.T. Awards, white singer Sam Smith won the best new artist
award. This came right after B.E.T. announced that it now identifies as white.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Monday Night, June 29
The Supreme Court has ended same-sex marriage bans. This is going to totally
ruin being gay. I will explain. I live in a gay neighborhood and these people
have a lot of fun. The reason is because there is no pressure to settle down.
It's illegal. Say you're dating a guy. He says, Why can't we get married? You
say, Well, same reason we can't rob a bank.
But now that reason is gone. Which means now you go home and your parents and
friends will do that thing where they put you on the spot. Society will push you
and push you and eventually you'll give in. This is what happened to George
And then once you do give in, guess what? Instead of the fun parades with the
drinks and the half-naked dancer guys, the only parades you will be going to are
the ones with the big inflatable Snoopy. He'll be looking at you as if to say,
"What the hell did you do?"
All the gay fun will be over. Remember when the word meant happy? It doesn't
anymore, thanks to the Supreme Court.
The only difference between gay marriage and straight marriage is no one
complains when you leave the toilet seat up.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Thursday Night, June 25
Sean Hannity asked yesterday why it is OK for President Obama's teenage
daughters to go into stores and buy music chock-full of the N-word but not the
Confederate flag. But how can you explain that to a guy who thinks kids still go
into a store to buy music?
Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage
counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the
marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true.
TBS announced plans today for a competition show where the winner will become a
weatherman on CNN. And the loser also has to become a weatherman on CNN.