op Ten Signs Your Monkey Has A Drinking Problem
Wednesday Night, September 1
10. He slurs his grunting
9. Was just asked to be on the next season of "Monkey Rehab"
8. Been hanging out with Paris Hilton
7. Doesn't care for bananas unless they're in a daiquiri
6. Been hanging out with Lindsay Lohan
5. Came home without his tail and has no memory of where he lost it
4. Been hanging out with David Hasselhoff
3. You smell liquor on his breath while he's picking the nits out of your hair
2. Been hanging out with Mel Gibson
1. Can't stop sneezing
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The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Wednesday Night, September 1
I like when the kids go back to school. The house is quiet, the kids are out all
day, there’s no line for “Dance Dance Revolution” at Chuck E. Cheese.
If you want to get ahead in life, there’s nothing better than having a good education.
Or wealthy parents.
A newspaper is a thing that people used to read. It’s like a website, but all the
information is from yesterday.
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Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
Wednesday Night, September 1
“America’s Got Talent” was the highest rated show last night, despite a 30-minute
delay from President Obama’s speech. I actually thought the speech was part of the
show. I was like, "Man, this guy is a terrible magician. Not doing tricks or anything!"
A new survey found that 30 percent of parents get bored playing with their kids.
That explains my parents’ favorite game to play with me: “hide & stay.”
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned down a chance to be on “Dancing With the Stars”
this fall. Zuckerberg said he just didn’t have what it takes to appear on the show
— you know, debt.
Beaches in Italy are now training dogs to become lifeguards. That should work as
long as someone throws a tennis ball at you while you’re drowning.
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The Jay Leno Show
Wednesday Night, September 1
Before President Obama’s address, he called former President Bush. I’m not saying
the economy is bad, but he called collect.
President Obama said that
too many Americans are struggling to find jobs. You know what these Americans are going to be called? Democrats.
Mexico has captured one of its most notorious drug lords, called “the Barbie.” Still
on the loose are Beanie Baby and Tickle Me Elmo.
A new study showed that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. Finally, some
good news for David Hasselhoff.
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Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, August 19
Roger Clemens was indicted by a grand jury for allegedly lying to Congress. You
don’t lie to Congress unless you’re in Congress.
Lindsay Lohan will supposedly get a million dollars for her first interview after
prison. I need to start driving drunk into houses.
A new poll found that 1 in 5 Americans believe President Obama is a Muslim. Remember
during the campaign, when he was criticized for belonging to Reverend Wright’s church?
What happened to that?
President Obama is staying at Martha’s Vineyard, which has an obstructed view of
the Atlantic Ocean, and just happens to point towards Mecca.
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