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Cartoons
Cartoons Last Updated: February 13, 2016
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: February 13
Courtesy: Newsmax
       

      

Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Wednesday Night, February 10 

 Every four years Iowa goes "Hey, how about this," and New Hampshire goes, "No, stupid, this." And last night in the Granite State, Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump each crushed their competition by 20 points, turning our entire political system upside down.

Outsiders are the insiders. Socialists are the establishment. These are now acceptable hairstyles!

America has been told for years to pick the sensible candidate, the responsible one, a buddy, a pal, great on paper. "You will grow to love them." But now it is getting swept off its feet by a couple of bad boys from the wrong side of the polls.

One candidate who did not do so well last night is the winner of the 2016 presidential election, Hillary Clinton.  
      


Conan
Thursday Night, February 11

Yesterday, Bernie Sanders was a guest on "The View." There was an awkward moment where Bernie looked around and said "Where’s that MILF Barbara Walters?

An exact replica of the Titanic is scheduled to set sail in 2018. The good news is by 2018, there will be no icebergs left to sink it.

 Ben Carson said he is open to being Donald Trump’s vice president. Yeah, it makes sense, Carson could deliver Trump the black Republican vote — which consists of Ben Carson.

An Army lab has created a ready-to-eat pizza that lasts for three years. When he heard this, the CEO of Papa John’s said, "Challenge accepted."

A recent study found that bottlenose dolphins sometimes murder other dolphins. However, police say it’s easy to find the culprit because dolphins love to squeal.


 
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Wednesday Night, February 10

After last night's New Hampshire primary it looks like Chris Christie is out, which isn't surprising — he doesn't look like the kind of guy who wins a lot of races.

Jeb Bush came in fourth place. He came in fourth place, but he told CNN that he considers that a win.

Is it possible for a man to be sadder than Jeb Bush? We are a week away from Jeb Bush walking on stage at the debate just wearing sweat pants, eating cereal directly out of the box, and just going, "Oh, what's the point."

 The real story of last night's primary was John Kasich, who out of nowhere managed to take second place with Republicans. It seems like Kasich's major selling point is that he's not Trump, Cruz, or Jeb.

 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Thursday Night, February 11

In his victory speech after the New Hampshire primary, Donald Trump claimed the unemployment rate might actually be as high as 42 percent. He might be right, because Hillary just fired her entire campaign staff.

It's been a rough week for Hillary, after Bernie Sanders won the New Hampshire primary by more than 20 points. Bernie said he's always liked New Hampshire, especially cuz he was around when it was still Old Hampshire.

Hillary Clinton recently said it's a “low blow” for Bernie Sanders to criticize her for not being progressive enough. And if you want to know more about that story, do NOT Google “Clinton low blow.” Save yourself.

After finishing second in New Hampshire’s Republican primary, John Kasich said he can handle attacks by Donald Trump saying, “I'm not gonna sit there and be a marshmallow and have somebody pound me." Then Chris Christie was like, "Anyone else as turned on as I am?"


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, February 11

Valentine's Day: the day women all around the world wait eagerly to discover the new and wonderful ways their husbands and boyfriends will disappoint them.

Americans are expected to spend $681 million on Valentine's Day gifts for their pets this year. This is, by the way, how we know we have too much money: when we're spending $681 million on a Valentine that doesn't see any difference between chocolate and poop.

In the movie "Ghostbusters ll," which came out in 1989, they say the world is going to end on Valentine's Day 2016 — which is Sunday. Good news if you haven't made a dinner reservation yet; you're off the hook.

There's a Goodwill store in Sarasota, Florida where they're asking people who have been through a breakup recently to donate their ex's old belongings for Valentine's Day. It's a great idea. They should rename themselves GoodRiddance instead of Goodwill.

 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Thursday Night, February 11

 Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders earlier tonight faced off in a debate on PBS, or as PBS calls it, "Antiques Roadshow."

Chris Christie announced yesterday that he's dropping out of the presidential race. Christie said he's not sure what he'll do now, and then someone reminded him he's still the governor of New Jersey.

Bernie Sanders, yesterday, had breakfast in Harlem with the Reverend Al Sharpton. Interesting, usually when an old white guy goes out to Harlem, it's because he fell asleep on the train.

Jeb Bush today said he is the only candidate who has the you-know-what to go up against Donald Trump. Oh, my god, Jeb. You can't claim to have balls if you don't even have the balls to say balls.

 It's been reported that infamous drug lord El Chapo will stand trial in Brooklyn. Though I'm not sure it's a good idea to try him in a place that already has, like, five tunnels.


 


 
 
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