How can you not love those secular progressives. They've taken a human condition
that has bedeviled mankind for centuries and solved it in one fell swoop.
Various cultures deal with sin and guilt in vastly different ways. Certain Arab
cultures flagellate themselves till they draw blood and thus achieve cleansing.
Catholics are given proscribed penance and absolution. Christians, thank God, have
Jesus who died for their sins.
Secular progressives, having chosen man over God, are thus left in a peculiar
situation. The closest the left comes to religious observation is obeisance to 'Mother
Earth,' so they have had to figure out how to reinvent human nature to fit their
own worldview. This they have done with style and elan.
They have simply declared that 'sins' are relative, thus allowing them to
define them. Their definition of 'sin' is pretty much confined to anything deemed
to defile the purity of the environment.
Guilt? You'll be happy to know guilt has also been redefined. For secular progressives,
acceptable guilt is now confined to crimes against the environment, slavery and
The best part is: one can now alleviate guilt (real or socially imposed) by spreading
around a little cash.
For the sin of hurting Mother Earth, you can now buy a few 'carbon credits' and,
presto, you are certified 'carbon neutral.' In effect, you are paying someone else
not to pollute so that you can still fly your private jet and maintain your current
prodigious use of energy. Kinda like paying someone to take your place in Vietnam.
These 'offsets' are instant guilt nullifiers and are being snapped up by all self
respecting, self anointed elites. A wonderful, relatively inexpensive way to show
all the boobs in fly over country that you are not only socially concerned but morally
superior. As an additional incentive, you should know is it is almost impossible
to attain the 'A' list party invitations unless you are 'carbon neutral.'
Since Al Gore's firm
Generation Investment Management LLP
pretty much has a lock on the
sale of these 'offsets', I've decided to offer alleviation for other the other 2
acknowledged sins for which all good liberals are compelled to feel guilt.
For the sin of slavery, I offer your choice of two packages:
Your Own African Baby: $2,500
You can now sport an artfully designed bumper sticker stating 'My Other Child Is
Package includes referral and initial retainer to the very same lawyer that Angelina
Jolie used for her adoptions. Also included: One original work of art from baby's
country of origin and a personally signed book by Shwana Malia Godini on the cultural
background of said child.
Personal Mention By Black Leader On National TV
For only $4,000 you can impress your friends by having your choice of Al Sharpton
or Jesse Jackson mention your name on national television. This will establish without
a doubt, that you are, indeed, a friend to the black race. (Videotape is extra)
For the sin of American imperialism, I have just the thing. The root cause of imperialism
has been traced to Republican lawmakers. To demoralize them and render them impotent,
I will contract to do the following:
For the small sum of $1,500 I will cause to have delivered to the lawmaker of your
choice, a bottle of hair conditioner. Your Senator or Congressman will have no idea
that the contents have been replaced with NAIR (an excellent hair remover) This
will pretty much keep them out of action for several key votes and could possibly
affect the outcome of upcoming elections.
(This offer is limited to the handful of lawmakers that do not wear wigs, toupees
or hair plugs)
For those of you who would like to take advantage of any of the above offers but
are used to spending other people's money, rest assured, billing will be under the
name 'Victim's Anonymous'. Not only will your significant other, employer or the
government pay without question, you'll get no-cost extra brownie points for being
so sensitive to victims. Talk about a win-win situation...
In an effort to be inclusive, I offer this 'special' for those secular progressives
who never feel guilt. Just a little something to brighten the day of your average
trial lawyer, Bill Clinton, or tenured radicals.
For the small sum of $75, I will kick a Christian in your name. This offer is available
only to the first ten callers. For feminists, I will make sure the Christian I kick
is both white and male. ($20 extra)
All of the above offers are certified by the left as acceptable guilt palliatives.
Be the first in your neighborhood to jump on board this new and exciting trend.
Your friends will see you as a moral and righteous person, worthy of their notice.
People will like you. And you will never have to feel guilty again. Just pick up that phone.
Operators standing by.