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Freedom Fest
Get Rid Of Your Guilt With One Easy Phone Call (credit card required)
Nancy Morgan
RightBias News
March 7, 2007

How can you not love those secular progressives. They've taken a human condition that has bedeviled mankind for centuries and solved it in one fell swoop.
 
Various cultures deal with sin and guilt in vastly different ways. Certain Arab cultures flagellate themselves till they draw blood and thus achieve cleansing. Catholics are given proscribed penance and absolution. Christians, thank God, have Jesus who died for their sins.
 
 Secular progressives, having chosen man over God, are thus left in a peculiar situation. The closest the left comes to religious observation is obeisance to 'Mother Earth,' so they have had to figure out how to reinvent human nature to fit their own worldview. This they have done with style and elan.
 
 They have simply declared that 'sins' are relative, thus allowing them to define them. Their definition of 'sin' is pretty much confined to anything deemed to defile the purity of the environment.

Guilt? You'll be happy to know guilt has also been redefined. For secular progressives, acceptable guilt is now confined to crimes against the environment, slavery and American imperialism. 
 
The best part is: one can now alleviate guilt (real or socially imposed) by spreading around a little cash.
 
For the sin of hurting Mother Earth, you can now buy a few 'carbon credits' and, presto, you are certified 'carbon neutral.' In effect, you are paying someone else not to pollute so that you can still fly your private jet and maintain your current prodigious use of energy. Kinda like paying someone to take your place in Vietnam.
 
These 'offsets' are instant guilt nullifiers and are being snapped up by all self respecting, self anointed elites. A wonderful, relatively inexpensive way to show all the boobs in fly over country that you are not only socially concerned but morally superior. As an additional incentive, you should know is it is almost impossible to attain the 'A' list party invitations unless you are 'carbon neutral.'
 
Since Al Gore's firm Generation Investment Management LLP  pretty much has a lock on the sale of these 'offsets', I've decided to offer alleviation for other the other 2 acknowledged sins for which all good liberals are compelled to feel guilt.
 
For the sin of slavery, I offer your choice of two packages:
 
Your Own African Baby: $2,500
You can now sport an artfully designed bumper sticker stating 'My Other Child Is African.'
Package includes referral and initial retainer to the very same lawyer that Angelina Jolie used for her adoptions. Also included: One original work of art from baby's country of origin and a personally signed book by Shwana Malia Godini on the cultural background of said child.

OR

Personal Mention By Black Leader On National TV
For only $4,000 you can impress your friends by having your choice of Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson mention your name on national television. This will establish without a doubt, that you are, indeed, a friend to the black race. (Videotape is extra)
 
For the sin of American imperialism, I have just the thing. The root cause of imperialism has been traced to Republican lawmakers. To demoralize them and render them impotent, I will contract to do the following:

For the small sum of $1,500 I will cause to have delivered to the lawmaker of your choice, a bottle of hair conditioner. Your Senator or Congressman will have no idea that the contents have been replaced with NAIR (an excellent hair remover) This will pretty much keep them out of action for several key votes and could possibly affect the outcome of upcoming elections.
(This offer is limited to the handful of lawmakers that do not wear wigs, toupees or hair plugs)
 
For those of you who would like to take advantage of any of the above offers but are used to spending other people's money, rest assured, billing will be under the name 'Victim's Anonymous'. Not only will your significant other, employer or the government pay without question, you'll get no-cost extra brownie points for being so sensitive to victims. Talk about a win-win situation...
 
In an effort to be inclusive, I offer this 'special' for those secular progressives who never feel guilt. Just a little something to brighten the day of your average trial lawyer, Bill Clinton, or tenured radicals.
 
For the small sum of $75, I will kick a Christian in your name. This offer is available only to the first ten callers. For feminists, I will make sure the Christian I kick is both white and male. ($20 extra)
 
All of the above offers are certified by the left as acceptable guilt palliatives. Be the first in your neighborhood to jump on board this new and exciting trend. Your friends will see you as a moral and righteous person, worthy of their notice. People will like you. And you will never have to feel guilty again. Just pick up that phone.
 
Operators standing by.
 
 


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