Politicians Fiddle While America Burns|
March 9, 2009
As the economy continues its downward spiral and hundreds of thousands join the
ranks of the unemployed, Americans may rest easy knowing that our elected officials
are hard at work on our behalf.
President Obama took time out from pushing his massive spending and tax increase
package to announce his new focus on health care, accidentally 'mischaracterizing' the data
, but making clear the government's
intention to start tackling this new 'crisis'.
One of the government's first acts was to close down a New York doctor
who had the audacity to propose
a private market solution by offering uninsured patients a $79 flat fee for medical
services, focusing instead on the government's innovative Healthy Penis campaign
, recently launched in San Francisco.
(It pays for staffers walk around in giant penis costumes to promote syphillis testing)
Despite the increasing number of crisis requiring his attention, Obama still managed
to find the time to attend to foreign affairs. In the interest of world peace, he
extended a hand to Russia, offering to consider scuttling America's missile defense system
if Russia would,
uh, help us with Iran. Russia agreed to talk about disarming America. Period.
Stoically, Obama remained silent as Hugo Chavez ordered the expropriation
(theft) of an American owned company
operating in Venezuela. He also refrained from comment on the news that an American
citizen was beheaded in Mexico. Thankfully, Obama regained his voice to forcefully
broadcast a new policy of
pursuing international tax cheats
. Who better to pursue tax cheats than...
sorry, I digress.
Meanwhile, Obama's new economic advisor took to the airwaves to reassure the nation
that Obama has a team of really smart people working to fix the economic crisis.
Why, she actually has a staff of 10 Ph.D. economists hard at work on it right now.
Obama followed up by unveiling a new emblem
that will be displayed on all projects
funded by the massive spending plan he just got enacted. (The vision of a dog peeing
to mark his territory entered my mind, but that's just me.)
Obama wisely ignored news of Iran's new nuclear capability and focused instead on
assuring the American people that, sadly, we are losing the war in Afghanistan
. The solution, he opined,
is reaching out to the moderate Taliban. As the hunt started for a 'moderate Taliban'
Obama took the opportunity to denounce the news that his appointment as head of
a U.S. intelligence council was identified as a member of the 'Iran lobby.
' A big pshaw from The One
set that right.
Our other elected officials also made sure America knew how hard they are toiling
on the people's behalf. Rep. Barney Frank announced that he will be pushing for prosecution
of the people who caused the country's
financial meltdown. The fact that he himself was one of them
didn't seem to worry
Barney. Or the media.
Senate Democrats, meanwhile, in a show of bipartisanship, held out a hand to Republicans,
inviting them to join them in calling for a 'truth commission'
to probe whether the Bush
administration abused its power. No word yet on which Republicans have decided to
Top dog Harry Reid exhibited his firm grasp of the people's business by proposing
that the federal government take over the power grid
in the country so that it might
string power lines all across the land. The fact that these power lines would be
designated “special power lines to carry renewable energy” should allow the government
to place them wherever they want, Reid suggested with a straight face.
Reid then hurried off to a closed door meeting
with actor Brad Pitt, where Brad made
an earnest case for nationalizing his "Make It Right New Orleans" campaign, in partnership
with Congress. The media then gleefully highlighted Harry Reid's first known instance
of humor as he cracked wise with Brad Pitt before the cameras. What a funny guy!
After the media finished its gigglefest, they moved on to highlight the achievements
of yet another public servant, Sen. Ted Kennedy, who was awarded an honorary knighthood
by the Queen of England.
He will now be referred to as Sir Kennedy. By everyone, I assume, except Mary Jo
Kophecne who is otherwise engaged, spinning in her grave.
Speaking of the Queen, we are informed that she has agreed to meet privately with
President Obama, despite the major disrespect shown by Obama to Britain's Prime
Minister last week. Apparently the Queen accepted Obama's explanation that his rudeness
was the result of him being 'overwhelmed' by the economic crisis. Besides, his aides
say, he is very tired
. Which doesn't bode well for any 3AM moments,
but I digress again.
"Barack and Michelle Obama have been throwing taxpayer funded parties nearly every
night with their 'friends' and supporters, with Michelle Obama even exhorting them
not to 'break' White House property," Klayman's announcement said.
The media graciously overlooked Judicial Watch's obvious racism by ignoring this
issue, focusing instead on launching a new national campaign
to help the Obama family name their
The media also did their part 'for the people' by playing down the threats of war
by North Korea, news that Iran has crossed
, the 15% increase
in defense spending by China, the global
meltdown and the spillover of the chaos of Mexican drug wars onto American soil
. After all, they know 'the people' are
much more interested in how Michelle Obama manages to keep her arms so buff and
if she has
set a new fashion trend
by going sleeveless in winter. Inquiring minds want
All is well with our elected officials, thank God. In the face of overwhelming and
potentially catastrophic circumstances, our dedicated public servants toil bravely
on, humbly accepting an ever greater share of responsibility over this nation and
its people. I don't know about you, but I'm sleeping much better these days, just
knowing they're looking out for me.
And tomorrow, instead of figuring out how to survive now that most of my money has
disappeared, I'm going to the gym and work on my triceps - secure in the knowledge
that Obama and the rest of our elected officials will take care of everything else.