1. Admit that you are powerless and that your life is best managed
by strict adherence to progressive ideology.
Congratulations for taking this, your first step towards recovery.
You will soon find a new global community of friends that are just like you. Your
first step requires you to surrender independent thinking and acknowledge
the wisdom of the majority. It is essential you learn to disregard facts in favor of consensus.
Consensus to be defined by your sponsor, the Democrat party.
2. Come to believe that the power of progressive ideas can restore you to popularity
and boost your self-esteem.
This step opens a vista of new hope and, if completed successfully, will
guarantee you instant popularity and numerous social opportunities. Please
visit
www.move-on.org for the most current
definition of progressive ideas. Keep in mind, it is not necessary to actually believe
in these ideas but you must learn to give the impression that you do. (For the learning
challenged, this means it's OK to fake it.) Relax, have fun. You'll be amazed how
easy it is to fool most people.
3. Make a decision to turn your will and your life over to the Democrat party.
This is a crucial step. It is necessary you learn how to take instruction
and follow directions.This step can be complicated. Please access detailed instructions @ surrendernow.com
(credit card required)
4. Make a fearless and searching inventory of all your Republican and conservative
friends.
For help on this step, it is suggested you refer to Al Gore's book 'Earth
in The Balance.' Inventory should include, but not be limited to, sins against the
environment. Other examples include ownership of SUV's, belief in free markets,
holding pro-life views, voting Republican, watching Fox News, and/or supporting
the phony 'war on terror.'
5. Publicly admit the exact nature of all the past wrongs committed by America.
This step is crucial and mandatory. Past wrongs must include America's shameful
legacy of slavery, oppression, patriarchy and unbridled greed (capitalism). To thoroughly
master this step, it will be necessary to refer to the teachings of Ward Churchill,
Karl Marx, Noam Chomsky and Hillary's college thesis. Other examples of America's
shameful sins may be accessed @ Edwards2008.com (credit card required)
6. Be entirely ready to renounce America, conservatives and Republicans.
This step is an integral part of recovery. It must be practised every day. The good
news is, you're now far enough along in your recovery to exercise some freedom in
your choice of platforms. Letters To The Editor, bumper stickers and T-shirts are
excellent ways to signal your renunciation of your old way of thinking. For the
truly dedicated, a list of willing media outlets is available through FAIR (Fairness
and Accuracy In Media) or simply google 'mainstream media.'
7. Humbly ask the global community for forgiveness for America's sin of slavery,
homophobia, patriarchy, arrogance, egalitarianism and all other sins.
(see attached list)
8. Make a list of all conservatives you know and become willing to remove them from
your life.
Exceptions can be made for family members, said exceptions not to exceed two years.
9. Make direct amends to the Democrats and to Mother Earth
Direct amends are limited to $2,000 yearly but exceptions will be made. Contact
Hillarycash.org for detailed instructions on how to invest your fair share. For amends
to Mother Earth (this will cover ALL your environmental sins) it is recommended you
purchase 'carbon credits'. These credits may be purchased at Al Gore's 'giveusyourguilt.com'
Attention: You must be officially certified carbon neutral in order to have successfully completed
this step.
10. Continue to take inventory of all Republicans and conservatives, and when they
are wrong, promptly inform the Democrat Party and the media.
As stated in Step 6, you may access willing media outlets by contacting FAIR (Fairness
and Balance in Media). To contact the Democrat party, please refer to your daily
talking points e-mail for current list of approved Democrat head honchos.
Attention: Democrat head honchos can and will change suddenly. We expect to resolve
this problem shortly, as evidenced by our campaign against Fox News and our aggressive
plan to reinstate the Fairness Doctrine. We counsel patience.
11. Seek through group hugs and daily talking points to improve your standing
with fellow liberals, knowing that they know best and are there to help you.
To ensure your sustained recovery, it is strongly recommended that you examine your
feelings daily. Hugs to fellow liberals (especially liberals of Color) are suggested.
And remember, crying is good. Especially if you fall within the approved category
of 'victims' (See attached 'victim' list)
12. Having been successfully rehabilitated, it is now your duty to spread this message.
Congratulations, having successfully completed these 12 steps, you have gained membership
in the most elite group in America. Feel free to take pride in yourself and show
others your self esteem. Don't forget to register your e-mail address with
centraltalkingpoints.com in order to stay abreast of the most correct thinking.
Now go out and take pride in yourself.
Remember: Do Unto Others Before They Do Unto You
Nancy Morgan is a columnist, talk show host
and editor for conservative news site www.RightBias.com
She lives in South Carolina
Posted by Richard O, 9-14-07
Dear Ms. Morgan,
As a liberal, I got a real kick from your suggestions
for us to “get the cure.” There’s little enough levity on sites like American
Daily, so when someone, especially someone on the normally extremely humorless Right,
publishes a genuinely funny piece like yours, it’s very much appreciated.
If we liberals can’t take some ribbing, then there’s something really wrong with
us.
I can only suggest that you
come up with another humorous piece, this time about the Right-wingers. I
know numerous Conservatives, and they aren’t always good targets for jest, but Lord
knows that there’s enough to mock in the statements of the ultra-right ideologues
like Frank Salvato and JH Williams and the rest of the extremist right wing to give
you enough material for a dozen articles.
With highest
regards
Richard O