Soaring Toward Totalitarianism|
November 19, 2012
(Some time in the not-too-distant future at a public university near you).
Good morning, everyone. My name is Dean Crawler and I would like to welcome
everyone to new staff training here in the Dean of Student's Office at the
University of Neo-Communism in Wonderland, or UNCW. I wish to welcome all
returning Deans, Associate Deans, Assistant Deans, and Adjunct Deans as well.
They say it takes a village to raise a child. One could say that it takes a
fiefdom to raise a generation. Of course, we prefer to avoid references to
Western civilization here at UNCW. We are soaring to greatness. And that means
leaving past traditions behind. Even an Adjunct Dean of Diversity knows that. No
offense or disrespect intended.
Our training today will focus on four new programs that will help us gain
control over student dissidents in an effort to assure the smooth operation of
the university. Diversity and tolerance are very complex concepts. And sometimes
rigid conformity is needed to ensure their full realization. I would appreciate
it if everyone would give her, his, its, or undecided's full attention while I
explain these new programs:
1. No administrator left behind. We have decided to add a few new
positions to help with our ever increasing workload. We will add a new Dean of
Noise Complaints this semester. As you know, students often have parties off
campus that result in noise complaints. We have partnered with local police to
set up a system whereby all noise complaints received by police are channeled
into the university administrative structure. When police answer a noise
complaint off campus, we soon find out. Then we will call the student into the
Dean's Office and interrogate him, her, it, or undecided concerning the alleged
violation. Each violation will be recorded by the Dean's Office and will be
placed in the student's permanent record. If the student complains loudly in
response to interrogation, the Dean of Noise Complaints will then file a
separate noise complaint with the UNCW police. This will result in the student
being brought back in for further interrogation by the Dean of Noise Complaints.
2. Two strikes and you're out. All infractions will require recidivism
before students can be expelled from UNCW. However, our previous policy of
allowing three strikes has been modified. Now, only two strikes will be needed
for expulsion. For example, an off campus noise complaint resulting in
interrogation to which a student noisily complains will be sufficient for
expulsion. Students will forfeit all tuition and fees paid for the duration of
the semester, regardless of whether expulsion occurs before or after the
official drop date for regular courses.
3. The Universal Administrative Trial Program. To date, we have employed
a two-tier system for dealing with student non-conformity issues. Criminal
hearings have been used as a means of dealing with criminal conduct.
Administrative hearings have been used for dealing with non-criminal violations.
In the latter type of hearing, students have been stripped of all needlessly
cumbersome due process rights. In our collective view, the system has proved to
be unworkable. Therefore, we have decided that all hearings will be classified
as administrative in nature. All rights will be suspended except for cases
involving sexual assault and sexual harassment. In such cases, students bringing
charges will be granted a right to counsel and a right to full appellate review.
Student plaintiffs will be able to appeal adverse rulings. The accused will
receive no corresponding benefit. All attempts on behalf of the accused to
either a) retain counsel or b) appeal an adverse ruling will be subject to the
noise complaint policy. The Dean of Noise Complaints will preside over all such
4. Our New Government Respect Compact. Our Student Respect Compact was
originally designed to preserve the rights of students to work in an environment
free from the following: incivility, discomfort, disrespect, unwarranted
intellectual challenge, and unwanted solicitation of ideas and opinions.
The policy has been modified to include the protection of administrators from
all of the same invasions. For example, student complaints concerning
"administrative waste" and control over "private" or "non-academic matters" are
often distressing to the administration. The complaints are rarely solicited and
often result in administrative discomfort. We now consider them to be uniformly
disrespectful and uncivil. Any conflict between Our New Government Respect
Compact and state "whistleblower" laws or the "constitution" will be resolved in
the favor of Our New Government Respect Compact. Any resistance will be referred
to the Dean of Noise Complaints and subject to the aforementioned policies.
The Obama administration has done a lot to move us forward. The Obama Department
of Education told us that we must reduce the burden of proof in sexual assault
cases to a mere preponderance of evidence. They told us we would receive no
federal funds if we did not conform. We based all of our other sexual assault
and sexual harassment policies on the model in place at Stanford University. We
call them our Cardinal rules of sexual conformity. That great institution
believes that the new Obama policies were a mere starting point - a minimum list
of expectations. We agree with that philosophy.
When it comes to implementing policies that ensure administrative victory over
student dissidents, we want to do more than just the minimum required by
Washington. We want to stay one step ahead of the federal authorities. Not
everything we do may be "constitutional" as they say. But our constitution is a
living, breathing document. We are confident that the federal judiciary will
share and affirm our grander vision by the time any disagreements reach that
level. You all are a part of that grand vision. For those of you who are new, I
welcome you into our community. For those returning, I welcome you back. And I
welcome you all to move with us. Forward.
In closing, I would remind you that extremism in the defense of conformity is no
vice. And let me remind you also that moderation in the pursuit of civility is
Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina
Wilmington and author of
Feminists Say the Darndest Things: A Politically Incorrect Professor
Confronts "Womyn" On Campus.