How to Save Money and Promote Athletic Diversity|
May 20, 2013
My University, UNC-Wilmington, needs to change its name to The University of No
Competition Whatsoever. We could still use the UNCW logo but our full name would
more accurately reflect our educational priorities. We already undermine
economic competition by promoting Marxism. But now we are considering cutting
athletic competition in order to preserve diversity spending in the midst of
state budget cuts.
The local Wilmington (North Carolina) McTimes recently reported on a proposal
floating through the ranks of the university administration. The following
sentence summarizes the gist of the spending cuts, which are expected to save
"UNCW would no longer field teams in men's indoor track; men's cross country;
men's and women's swimming and diving and softball if the university's Board of
Trustees approves the Intercollegiate Athletics Review Committee's
Many people are upset at the proposal due to the fact that the men's swimming
and diving team has won 12 consecutive CAA titles. They wonder why we would cut
the most successful program on campus (athletic or otherwise) while leaving
failed programs intact. Their concerns are merited but they miss two other
repercussions of the cuts, which will overshadow the loss of our swimming and
diving team. I discuss each below:
1. Blacks and track. We can't cut the men's track programs because most
of the black male students at UNCW are on the track team. Maybe there are more
black male students than I am aware of - perhaps several more are hiding in the
African American Center in order to escape the racial oppression they learn
about in African American Studies classes. But most black guys I see at UNCW are
running around the track. We need to retain these high visibility black guys.
The only other place you usually see black males is on the UNCW website - and I
think some of those black guys were imported for PR purposes.
2. Lesbians and softball. Cutting the women's softball team will kill our
efforts to promote homosexual diversity. Our women's softball games attract more
lesbians than an Indigo Girls concert. If we get rid of the softball program we
will lose over half of our real lesbians. We'll still have a few thousand
temporary lesbians but those don't count. They are only lesbians for a few years
in college because of the two-to-one campus girl-to-guy ratio.
Since a campus full of white temporary lesbians does little to promote
diversity, we need to keep the track and softball teams. But where will the
$800,000 in spending cuts come from? Naturally, I have all the answers.
My proposed cuts are listed below in no particular order of importance:
1. Close the Upperman African American Center. Most of the dozen or so
black people we have on campus are too well-hidden. Instead of hiding from white
people in a "blacks only" lounge, they should be circulating on campus with
everyone else. Closing the Upperman Center will save a couple of hundred
thousand a year. Plus, when our black students start to integrate with others we
can take pictures of them and post them on the website. No more importing black
people for PR purposes.
2. Close the LGBTQIA Center. These guys spent way too much money last
year trying to defeat Amendment One. Now that they have lost, we should shut
down this office, which is really nothing more than a lobbying center for gay
politics – one that occasionally sponsors a few masturbation seminars to relieve
the pressure of high-stress political lobbying. The closure will save us another
hundred thousand or so and help us keep the swimming and diving program afloat.
After all, we should be rewarding athletic winners instead of rewarding
3. Fire Coach Peterson immediately. Finally, we should fire our
basketball coach, Buzz Peterson. He can't seem to coach basketball and stay on
top of the academic performance of his players. Cutting him would get us halfway
to the goal of saving $800,000 per year on our educational budget. Plus, we
really don't need a coach named "Buzz" at a school that is notorious for
Many would say that my savings plan has a flaw because we would need to hire
another basketball coach to replace Buzz Peterson. But I disagree with that
assessment. Under my plan, we would just let the basketball players coach
themselves. They couldn't do much worse than they are doing right now. Plus,
we'd be able to experiment with utopian society by declaring everyone on the
team to be equals.
I'm sure everyone would share the ball equally under my new athletic budget
reduction plan. But when your only goal is diversity and inclusion who cares
about winning games anyway?
Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina
Wilmington and author of
Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting
Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.
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