The Hill of Hypocrisy|
September 10, 2013
Late Friday morning of last week, I got interrupted by a call from Katie
Pavlich. It's not like I was working - I haven't worked on a Friday morning
since I got tenure back in 1998. It's just that I was cleaning one of my
favorite .44 magnums and didn't want to be disturbed at that particular moment.
Nonetheless, Katie was having some problems with the folks at UNC - Chapel Hill
and she needed some help. So I put down my Smith and Wesson and gave her my best
For those who haven't yet heard, Katie was invited by the College Republicans to
speak at UNC-CH. But the folks in student government said she was
"non-intellectual" and had "no value" as a speaker. So they refused to fund her
speech and gave it to some feminists and anarchists instead. (Please pardon any
redundancy in that last sentence).
Although Katie contacted me for support, I had to be honest with her. I agree
with the UNC-CH student government. Katie is a non-intellectual with no value as
a speaker. Furthermore, the funding debacle at UNC-CH is entirely her fault. If
Katie knew anything about the UNC system, she could have taken any number of
measures to ensure full funding of her event. I shared a number of examples with
Katie. Just in case you're a conservative woman seeking an audience at UNC-CH,
I'm sharing these tips with you, free of charge.
- Dress up as a six foot vagina. A few years ago at Appalachian State,
which is in the UNC system, a feminist at the Women's Center went parading
across campus dressed in a six foot tall vagina costume. She and her fellow
feminists managed to get funding for The Vagina Monologues. They were also
allowed to advertise for it with the giant vagina costume. Katie could have
borrowed that costume and even given her speech wearing it. She would have
looked every bit as intellectual as an Appalachian State feminist. Then, the UNC
system would have funded her speech in a heartbeat. Sometimes appropriate
business attire really makes a difference. This is especially true when you want
to come across as a true intellectual.
On a side note, UNCW Feminists also managed to get funding to sell little
vagina-shaped lollipops when they put on the Vagina Monologues. If Katie were to
put in a request to sell these p*ssy pops (that is what they actually called
them) at her speech, then she would likely get full funding. It's not a truly
intellectually stimulating event unless feminists are walking around licking
sugar-coated treats that look like genitalia.
- Drop your guns and celebrate "kick ass" feminism. Katie needs to get
off of this gun kick. Last year, one of my feminist colleagues, Donna King,
published a book called Men Who Hate Women: And the Women Who Kick Their
Asses. In it, she advanced the concept of "kick ass feminism." One of the
chapters in her book praised a feminist in a Stieg Larsson novel who retaliated
against a man who had previously raped her. She accomplished the retaliation by
finding him, tying him up, and then shoving metal objects up his rectum.
Clearly, Katie's ideas about preventing violence via lawful gun possession are
anti-intellectual, even if supported by the work of scholars like John Lott. If
Katie wants to be a true intellectual, she needs to renounce guns and convince
women to wait until after they are raped to deal with the rapist via
vigilantism. No need for guns. All you need is a little rope and a few metal
objects to shove up the rapist's rectum once he's safely bounded and gagged. If
a feminist intellectual recommends a vigilante course of action, you know it has
to be sound. Plus, the word "vigilante" sounds similar to vagina. And that's
- Tell UNC feminists that some handguns can also be used as sex toys. A
few years ago, UNC Chapel Hill decided that "orgasm awareness week" was of
enough intellectual value to merit funding from the university. In fact, they
built a temporary vibrator museum right there in the middle of the campus. I
told Katie that she should just tell campus feminists that they don't have to be
afraid of handguns. Tying it into sex (please, no bondage jokes) is a sure way
to win over the hearts and minds of sex crazed, I mean, intellectually gifted
UNC feminists. Tell them the guns can also be used as sex toys and you'll get
full funding. Tell them that guns can also be used to perform late term
abortions (4th trimester and beyond) and they'll make you director of
the Women's Center.
- Dress up as a gorilla and throw bananas at the audience. A few years
ago, our women's center paid for a group called the Gorilla Girls to come to
campus. They were some serious intellectuals. They dressed up in gorilla
costumes and threw bananas at audience members. I told Katie she should emulate
them. Put on a gorilla outfit and throw bananas at students who are there
earning extra credit. Hit them in the face with those bananas. I mean, knock the
crap out of them. Hit them hard enough and they'll start to agree that they need
to be armed with handguns to protect themselves from assault and battery.
- Fly in on a private jet. Arianna Huffington was paid $12,500 to fly
into UNC - Wilmington on a private jet. During her tree hugging feminist speech,
she lectured the audience about driving SUVs and wasting precious gasoline.
Nothing communicates a need for a giant honorarium better than having your own
private jet. And people who use a private jet to facilitate a lecture on energy
conservation tend to be intellectually gifted, high value speakers.
- Stop wearing makeup and shaving your arm pits. I know she's never heard
this before but Katie is not ugly. And that's a serious problem for her. These
UNC feminists are tough on good looking women. They have a real disdain for
makeup and razor blades. If Katie started looking a little more like a French
foreign exchange student then she might be taken more seriously by the UNC
feminists. In a nutshell, when a woman dresses and carries herself like Katie
Pavlich, bad things are bound to happen. She really brought the whole thing on
herself and should have sought my advice much sooner. If she had, she would be
rubbing elbows with Gorilla Girls and making a down payment on her first private
In all seriousness, I believe it’s time for UNC-CH to stop holding itself out as
an institution interested in achieving intellectual diversity through the free
and open exchange of ideas. And it's past time to get rid of its official motto,
How about Collis Hypocrisi instead?
Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina
Wilmington and author of
Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting
Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.