Elaine Davidson, the world's
most pierced woman, wins this week Top Idiot Award. She
recently added yet more metal adornments to her body, bringing the grand total to
6,005
RUNNER-UP:
Alas, our runner-up is no longer around to receive his award.
He expired after after guzzling a bottle of Viagra to keep him going for a 12-hour
orgy with two female pals.
HONORABLE MENTION:
This recipient is also unable to accept her award in person,
as she is in the hospital with no face. Doubtless she was shocked when her pet chimpanzee,
Travis, turned on her. After all, the chimpanzee's relationship
with his owner was
closer than those of some married couples. Sandra Herold gave him the finest
food, and wine in long-stemmed glasses. They took baths together and cuddled in
the bed they shared. Then he went and ripped off her face. Life just isn't fair.
This idiot decided to
subject her cat to an intricate tattoo. Isn't it pretty?
Another honorable mention award goes to a
Pennsylvania dog
groomer who got caught selling "gothic kittens" with ear, neck and tail piercings.
Say what you will, I'm sure the piercings weren't as painful as getting a tattoo.
STUPID CRIMINALS:
A convicted rapist got lucky and was released early. He then pushed his luck
when he smiled at his 13 year-old victim's mother and asked her how her daughter
was. The mother replied by
dousing him in gasoline and setting him on fire. Now he's
toast.
A bungling Australian car thief was nabbed after
accidentally locking himself in the vehicle he was trying
to steal.
Louisiana Police
arrested three adults on kidnapping charges after they allegedly agreed
to swap a cockatoo and cash for two children.
Troy Brisport, 34,
held a woman captive in handcuffs and an adult diaper for
three days while he read Bible passages to her. He was charged with kidnapping and
felonious assault. No word yet on his success in converting her.
A Pensacola burglary suspect was literally caught
with
his pants down while trying to run away. Deputies said Pittman tried to
flee, but the handfuls of cigarettes prevented him from holding up his pants, which
fell down and tripped him before he could make it out of the parking lot. Duh.
29 year-old Buck Walls got a little too drunk. He ended up crawling into bed with
a stranger. No, not a one night stand - a neighbor. Apparently he
got the wrong house. He was given accomodations in his local
jail.
Luck of the draw - Instead of landing in jail, or the morgue, this drunk was
awarded $2.33 million after he lost his leg after drunkenly stumbling onto
the path of an oncoming subway train.
WEIRD NEWS:
While no one is exactly sure how it happened, officials near Eagle say there is
a
cow elk wandering around with a bar stool stuck on its head.
Officially
recognised by Guinness in 2003 as having the longest ear
hair in the world, Mr Baijpai has grown his hair from five inches to their current
length.
A giant rat with one-inch-long teeth
has been caught in the southern Chinese province of Fujian.
Linda Lou Taylor, 68, who holds a Guinness World Record as the
most married woman in history, and has been single for 12
years after 23 marriages said she hasn't ruled out getting married again.
Other than having a bit of a headache, a Kansas City
woman was uninjured after a bullet fired at her ended up
tangled in her hair weave.
According to a
secret intelligence report discovered while cleaning out a house, we find
that mass murderer Adolf Hitler's uncouth behavior and shocking table manners appalled
his wartime dining companions. No mention if his buddies were similarly appalled
at his mass murder of the Jews.
A mosquito managed to live 18 months clinging to the outside of the International
Space Station, without any food, being bombarded by radiation and enduring fluctuating
temperatures ranging from minus 230 degrees to 140 degrees Fahrenheit. Whoa, baby!
Feel Free to send in your own nominee for next weeks' Idiot Awards. And remember,
no matter how bad things get, you can take comfort in the fact that someone out
there has it worse.
RightBias Idiot Awards may be reprinted, with attribution
to RightBias.com
