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Cartoons
Cartoons Last Updated: May 5, 2016
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: May 5
Courtesy: Newsmax
       

      

Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Thursday Night, April 21 

Now I don't know if you guys are Anglophiles or anything, but if you are, if you are into England, it's Queen Elizabeth's birthday today. She is turning 90 years old. She is the first queen to ever reach that age. There would have been others but they were beheaded.

Queen Elizabeth is having her portrait done by Annie Leibowitz. She's releasing a new stamp in her honor in May. There is a public celebration of her birthday. In June there is a service at St. Paul's plus a big parade — and she gets to wear her birthday tiara all year long.

If you think that you're worried about what is going to happen in this race, just consider Reince Priebus, RNC chairman and man whose name is an anagram for “crisp bee urine.”  
      


Conan
Tuesday Night, May 3

Today in Indiana, Ted Cruz called Donald Trump “a pathological liar,” “a narcissist,” “utterly immoral,” and “a serial philanderer.” Then Cruz turned to Trump and said, “Teach me, Master!”

Today is Teacher Appreciation Day, and President Obama thanked his fifth-grade teacher, Ms. Mabel Hefty. Then Bernie Sanders thanked his fifth-grade teacher, Aristotle.

Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. It’s a special day when we Americans show our gratitude to teachers in any form but money.

A high school girl brought a cardboard cut-out of Bernie Sanders as her prom date. Meanwhile, another girl brought a cardboard cut-out of John Kasich that turned out to be John Kasich.

Donald Trump is implying that Ted Cruz’s father had something to do with the Kennedy assassination. Even worse, Ted Cruz’s father had something to do with Ted Cruz.

Plans are underway to build an erotic theme park in Brazil called “ErotikaLand.” In fact, Brazilian workers are already busy waxing the rainforest.

 Researchers are claiming that humans can only maintain close relationships with five people. Which should make for an interesting Mother’s Day for my mom and her six children.

A group is suing Quaker Oats saying their oatmeal is not 100 percent natural. And it gets worse: The guy on the box? He’s Jewish.

It’s been announced that the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, and Paul McCartney will perform at a huge music festival. If you’re planning on attending, get in line for the bathroom NOW.


 
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Tuesday Night, May 3

Today was the Indiana primary and the winner was, of course, Donald Trump. But the big news was that Ted Cruz ended his presidential campaign. I can’t believe Cruz is quitting the race. I mean, who quits just because they’ve lost?

Cruz said he’s looking forward to being able to spend more time with his family. In response, his family said, “Are you sure you want to quit?”

Ted Cruz suspending his campaign is great news for the only other candidate, John Kasich, who is now just waiting for Donald Trump to drop out.

Earlier in his campaign, Trump was calling Carly Fiorina ugly. Now he’s saying he might pick her up if she falls down. Guys, that’s growth. He’s getting more presidential every day.

Just before Cruz exited the race, Donald Trump implied that Ted Cruz’s dad may have been involved in the Kennedy assassination. This is very unlike Trump. Usually, he thoroughly investigates a story before repeating it to millions of people. 

 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Tuesday Night, May 3

Today was the Indiana primary, and the results are in. Donald Trump saw his shadow, so there are six more months of the election!

Yesterday, Heidi Cruz was asked about rumors that her husband is the Zodiac Killer, and she said, “I’ve been married to him for 15 years, and I know pretty well who he is.” That story again: Heidi Cruz didn’t actually deny that her husband was the Zodiac Killer.

It was announced that “Space Jam 2” is in the works, and the movie will star LeBron James. It’ll feature LeBron playing with a bunch of make-believe teammates — or as LeBron calls them, “teammates.”

The CEO of Priceline just resigned after it was revealed that he had an affair with an employee. As you can imagine, his wife is pretty mad, but on the bright side, at least he knows where to find a good deal on hotels.

 A 100-year-old woman from New York City just broke the world record for her age group in the 100-meter dash. It’s pretty amazing — in fact, they say she’s the oldest person to enter a race since Bernie Sanders.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, April 28


The Indiana primary was today and we’re this much closer to having a president who starts Twitter fights with Cher.

Trump had a big win. Indiana is a basketball state. He’s worried that if he spent too much time there, people might try to grab his orange head and try to dribble it.

Trump now leads Ted Cruz by 42 points, which is too many points. Is anybody else starting to feel bad for Ted Cruz? Poor guy probably wants to lock himself up in a transgender bathroom and never come out.

Trump is trying to spread the tabloid story that Ted Cruz’s dad is somehow involved in the assassination of JFK. While I’m pretty sure Rafael Cruz didn’t have anything to do with the assassination of JFK, he does look like a James Bond villain from the Sean Connery era.

 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Tuessday Night, May 3
 
 Industry experts are speculating that Chipotle could be planning to add breakfast options. Of course, Chipotle already has a breakfast option. It’s the half a burrito you woke up next to.

 A pizzeria in Brooklyn has created an edible pizza box. Chris Christie was like, “Wait, the old ones weren’t?”

Entrepreneurs in Brazil are building a new theme park called “ErotikaLand” and it will feature rides and attractions based around sexuality. Just a word of warning: Steer clear of Splash Mountain.

Entrepreneurs in Brazil are seeking to build a sexual adults-only theme park called ErotikaLand. They went with the name after realizing Busch Gardens was taken.
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