Tuesday Night, October 4
Tonight is the debate between vice-presidential candidates Tim Kaine and Mike
Pence. They’re going to debate the economy, foreign policy, and which one of
them is Tim Kaine and which one is Mike Pence.
During the final push of the election, Bill Clinton criticized Obamacare in a
speech and said it’s "the craziest thing in the world."
It’s all part of Bill’s nationwide "Not Helping" tour. It’s rumored that Donald
Trump’s tax returns were leaked by one of Trump’s ex-wives. In other words, it
could be anybody.
It’s come out that Donald Trump once rented an office to an Iranian bank that
was later accused of terrorism. Today, Trump said, "How was I supposed to know
that something wasn’t right with Jihadi Joe’s Savings and Loan?"
Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a pair of socks meant to be worn with
sandals from 2,000 years ago. Scholars say it’s evidence of the first German
He's going to be okay, but a Montana man was attacked by a bear twice in the
same day. Afterwards, the man said, "That’s it, no more Tinder for me."
Over the weekend, a 102-year-old woman got herself arrested so she could check
that off of her bucket list. Now, it all seems like a cute story until you learn
that the arrest was for triple homicide.
Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Thursday Night, October 20
We have a Trump hangover. We are all still recovering from last night’s third
and final debate, if there is a God.
CNN named the winner hours before the debate began. They say it was Excedrin,
for their tweet, “The possibility of a debate headache is high, be prepared with
Excedrin.” Of course, after watching the debate, we know the real winner was
NyQuil — “Sweet darkness of sleep, it’s your only escape.”
What an amazing psych-out. It’s like that classic joke where you offer to shake
somebody’s hand, but when they go to shake it . . . you undermine our system of
So, how did we get to the point where the fate of the American experiment rests
in Donald Trump’s tiny, whining, loser hands?
Of course, Hillary also had her moments. Here’s what she said about her tax
plans: “We are going to go where the money is.” And she knows where the money
is. It’s where she gives her speeches.
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Thursday Night, October 20
The big story of the debate was Donald Trump saying he might not accept the
results of the election. Honestly, I didn’t know you could do that. I didn’t
know you could just not accept things. If that’s the case, I’ve decided not to
accept the results of my last acting audition.
Last night, Trump said he was going to keep us in suspense. But today he said he
“will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential
election — if I win!” So in other words, no. No, right?
At one point, Hillary Clinton even brought up how Trump said the Emmys were
rigged because “Celebrity Apprentice” never won one. Which means the Emmy Award
is the only woman who Trump hasn’t grabbed.
Now, probably the weirdest thing Trump said during the evening was when he was
talking about immigration, saying we have some “bad hombres” here.
Bad hombres? First Melania Trump steals lines from Michelle Obama, now Trump is
stealing lines from Clint Eastwood. “Bad hombres” doesn’t sound like drug
dealers. “Bad hombres” sounds like what TGI Friday’s would call their Tex-Mex
“Bad hombres” sounds like the Spanish-language version of “Grumpy Old Men.” “Bad
hombres” sounds like a gift shop in the Old West part of Disneyland.
“Bad hombres” sounds like a tequila that you buy by the gallon for $4. “Bad
hombres” sounds like the theme song to the Mexican version of “Cops.”
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Thursday Night, October 13
The third and final debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is coming up
in Las Vegas next week, and Hillary’s holding a contest where the winner gets to
actually go watch it in person. Everyone was like, “Yeesh, what does the loser
But the best email that’s been leaked so far claims that Hillary met with rapper
Q-Tip last year to discuss how to appeal to hip-hop fans. The big takeaway for
Hillary: Whatever you do, don’t try to rap.
I guess the meeting with Q-Tip really affected Hillary because afterwards, she
actually came up with some rapper names for herself. First, she tried Lil’
Wheezy. Then she tried Run DNC. And finally, she tried Wiz Deleeta.
Things aren’t getting any better for Samsung. They’re actually sending customers
safety gloves to help them return the exploding phones. Then they were like,
“Hold up, turns out the gloves are exploding too.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, October 20
We have a superhero on the show — Benedict Cumberbatch is with us. He stars in
the new Marvel movie “Dr. Strange.” It’s the story of a former neurosurgeon who
gets drawn into a bizarre world he knows little to nothing about. It’s based on
the life of Dr. Ben Carson.
Last night from Las Vegas, “Trump vs. Clinton 3” — and just like that, we’re one
step closer to never having to watch cable news again. It was the third most
watched debate in history. More than 71 million people watched/screamed at their
Trump needed a strong performance in the debate. His poll numbers have been
dropping, and after last night, his only hope is that Michael J. Fox shows up in
a time machine.
Clinton and Trump are at a dinner together, the Al Smith Dinner, a charity event
thrown annually by the Catholic Archdiocese of New York. It has become a
tradition for the candidates to show up and tell jokes, like a roast. Tonight
Hillary and Donald are one seat apart with Cardinal Timothy Dolan sitting
between them, like an unhappy couple hoping to get their marriage annulled.
Donald Trump is not a self-deprecating guy. A lot of people believe the reason
he got into politics is because President Obama roasted him at the White House
Correspondents Dinner. If the cardinal starts making fun of him, he might try to
run for Pope.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Wednesday Night, October 12
Donald Trump spoke at a campaign event in Florida today where he once again said
Hillary Clinton should be locked up. Well, Donald, if it’s any consolation, it
looks like the election is locked up.
During a rally in Florida yesterday Donald Trump boasted about his plans for
ISIS and said he will “be their worst nightmare.” Oh, wow, so he’s also running
for president of ISIS?
President Obama has only 100 days left in office. Obama was like, “I just can’t
wait to get home to Kenya.”
Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature today. Dylan was like,
“This is the greatest honor I’ve ever received.” Or he might have said, “Misses
gravy’s on her ivory steed.” It’s impossible to tell.
A new business here in Washington, D.C., opened recently allowing customers to
pay $15 to take a 20-minute nap. They’re calling the new service “C-SPAN.”