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Cartoons
Cartoons Last Updated: August 31, 2016
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: August 31
Courtesy: Newsmax
       

      

Conan
Monday Night, August 29
 
Today, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. The first thing the Pope told him was "Get these goddamn baby pics off of my feed."

At last night’s VMAs, BeyoncĂ©'s album "Lemonade," about her husband’s cheating, won seven awards. So the favorite to sweep the VMAs next year is Huma Abedin.

Beyoncé won Best Pop Video, Best Female Video, Best Choreography, Breakthrough Longform Video, Best Direction, Cinematography, Editing, and Video of the Year. Just for the hell of it, they threw in the Nobel Prize in Economics.

A developer in New York wants to build an IHOP on top of a Revolutionary War cemetery. IHOP's CEO said, "It makes sense, we've killed more Americans than the British ever did."

A 25-year-old has scammed over $1 million from Trump supporters. It’s being called "the first time in years that the Trump name has actually made someone money."

Donald Trump is challenging Hillary Clinton to release "detailed medical records." This marks the first time Trump's ever been interested in the body of a woman over 40.   
      


Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Friday Night, August 26

Mylan, the company that produces these EpiPens, have jacked up the price of these pens for less than $100 for a pair, to over $600. That price is enough to send you into shock, but don't do it because you can't afford the pen anymore.

Now, to be clear, that value is saving the lives of people who can't breathe. Or as Mylan likes to call them, "Gasping, cash-filled meat sacks."

After starting a firestorm, Mylan's CEO Heather Bresch came forward to address the criticism. She said, “Look, no one's more frustrated than me.” She's frustrated! I mean, the tone-deafness of that just takes your breath away and getting your breath back will cost you over $600.

The FBI is investigating whether Russian intelligence agencies have hacked the computers at The New York Times, or as the Times reported it, "Putin named world's sexiest leader."

McDonald's recalled the wristbands after they left people with burns and blisters — which, technically, is the job of their apple pie filling.
 


 
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Thursday Night, August 25

There are rumors that Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has signed a deal to appear on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars." It'll be nice for Lochte to have three people judging him instead of the whole country.

It's not official yet, it is just a rumor that Ryan Lochte is joining "Dancing with the Stars" — but you know it's true because it didn't come from Ryan Lochte.

Astronomers at NASA are saying that they discovered a new Earth-like planet that's only 4.2 light years away. I know, I reacted the exact same way as you did. I don't know how far that is either.

A new Earth-like planet has been discovered a few months before an election where Donald Trump could be president. If that's not perfect timing, I don't know what is.

 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Monday Night, August 29

Donald Trump is trying to turn his poll numbers around and recently told his supporters that if he's elected, the White House will become the people's house. He was like, "Because I ain't living in that dump. I'm going to get a mansion down the street and I'll check in every other week."

The CEO of Wendy's says the election is hurting the chain's burger sales — people are spending less because they are worried about the future. Let's be honest here, if you're eating a Wendy's Baconator, you're probably not too concerned about the future.

Anthony Weiner is back in the news with another sexting scandal. He's like the Michael Phelps of sexting. He keeps saying he's going to retire, but every four years he's back.

Kim Jong Un reportedly threw a huge outdoor dance party on Thursday to celebrate the successful test of North Korea's ballistic missile. Residents described the party as fun, exciting, and mandatory. 


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Monday Night, August 29

Donald Trump's doctor, Harold Bornstein, has been making the rounds to defend his unusually effusive report on the candidate's health . . . He wrote, "If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency." I guess that means he did physicals on Obama and Reagan and Lincoln, too.

Dr. Bornstein now says he wrote the letter in five minutes and used hyperbole because being rushed makes him anxious. So, well, he should see a doctor about that.

 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Monday Night, August 29

  Donald Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, spoke about Trump's new immigration policy over the weekend, and said he will ensure that enforcement is humane. Humane? I don't think it's a good sign when a candidate is talking about undocumented immigrants the same way KFC talks about chickens.

Hillary Clinton has begun pledging $30 billion over the next decade to retrain coal miners to be able to work in newer technology businesses, so get ready for an interesting trip to the Apple Store.

A restaurant in Manhattan has created a $15, 25-ounce milk shake, which comes in a cream cheese frosted glass covered in marshmallows and cereal, filled with ice cream and topped with a cinnamon bun. At least that's what it said on the toxicology report.

Apple next week is expected to unveil the iPhone 7. "How's the camera?" asked Anthony Weiner. 


 


 
 
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