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Cartoons
Cartoons Last Updated: August 19, 2014
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: August 19, 2014
Courtesy: Newsmax


Conan
Thursday Night, August 14

Apple announced it will ban two toxic chemicals that are used in the production of iPhones. In a related story, that iPhone in your pocket right now is made of toxic chemicals.

The Kardashians are outraged that they've been robbed three times this year but the police have not caught the culprits. Kim Kardashian said, "We just want back what's wrongfully ours. We didn't earn that money and we should get to keep it."

Kobe Bryant and Nike have teamed up to make a Beethoven-themed sneaker. They're motto is "Play basketball like an 18th century deaf German."


Late Show With David Letterman
Monday Night, August 18

President Obama had to cut his vacation short two days to go back to Washington. You know why? Vice President Joe Biden had locked himself out of the White House.

 Obama was on a two-week break with his family and had to cut it short by two days, had to go back to Washington. I'm thinking: you spend two weeks with your family, you're going to need a two-day break. Am I right?

David Gregory, a longtime newsman over at NBC news, is no longer the host of "Meet the Press." He took over for Tim Russert, and now they just booted him. They just kicked him right out the door. He's following a trail I blazed at NBC.

 David Gregory is being replaced by a guy named Chuck Todd, which indicates to me that in order to host that program you have to have two first names.


 
The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Frisday Night, August 8

Today's the start of the Boston Comic-Con. It starts with a man riding a horse across cobblestone streets shouting "The nerds are coming! The nerds are coming!"

People dress up and dump the "Star Wars" prequels in the harbor. Hah! A man can dream!

A bunch of movies came out today. They cover many genres, but they have one interesting thing in common: They'll get their butts kicked by the new "Ninja Turtles" movie that opens today.

I don't know a lot about ninja turtles. I know they're named after artistic Italian men: Michelangelo, Donatello, Madonna.

And ninja turtles live in the sewers of New York City. If they want to hide out somewhere that New Yorkers never go to, they should try a Mets game.

 I had a pet turtle when I was a kid. He taught me a lot. For instance, he taught me I love the taste of turtle soup.

 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Monday Night, August 18

Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted after he threatened to veto funding for a district attorney’s office unless she stepped down. He’s now the most controversial governor in the country — which is why today he got a gift basket from Chris Christie.

It looks like Rick Perry's chances in 2016 might be in trouble. Or as Hillary put it, "One down, four more to go."

A survey found that 75 percent of Americans don't use up all their vacation days. While the rest apparently loaned them to President Obama. He’s on vacation again!

Mr. T reported for jury duty in Chicago last week, but ultimately was not picked for the trial. I guess prosecutors thought he'd show too much pity.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, August 7

Welcome to those who are visiting LA. We're going to have a good time in beautiful Los Angeles, which has just been named the 16th coolest city in America by Forbes magazine. We finally tied San Jose.

You know what city Forbes says is the coolest? The No. 1 coolest city in America is Washington, D.C. How did that happen? Did Obama start smoking again?

Forbes bases its rankings on factors like how many entertainment options a city has. Makes sense. In Washington, between Joe Biden and John Boehner alone, it's like a nonstop Burning Man festival.

I like that Forbes magazine is deciding which city is the coolest. That's like Good Housekeeping naming the snowboarder of the year.
  

 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Thursday Night, August 14

The Korean Aerospace Institute announced that their one and only astronaut resigned for personal reasons. Now all he has to do is get back to Earth.

A woman was arrested at LaGuardia Airport this week after she was seen stealing an iPad and iPhone. The women could be sentenced to as much as six months at LaGuardia.

An Oregon man called Portland police Monday to report that traffic was being held up by a chicken attempting to cross a road. Then on Tuesday, he called back to report a priest and a rabbi walking into a bar.
 

 


 
 
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