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Cartoons
Cartoons Last Updated: April 16, 2014
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: April 16, 2014
Courtesy: Newsmax


Conan
Tuesday Night, April 15

Late last night a phenomenon occurred that scientists say won't happen again until next fall. Yeah, that's right, the Lakers won.

In Afghanistan's early election, Abdullah Abdullah is doing great, especially among old people and stutterers.

The Supreme Court of India has ruled that there are three genders, not two. The three genders are male, female, and Bieber.

Donald Trump says he's serious about buying an NFL team. Trump said, "I love football. That's why I wear this helmet."

Scientists now believe that Jesus Christ had a wife. They also believe that Jesus' nephew called Jesus' wife the "Auntie Christ."


Late Show With David Letterman
Wednesday Night, April 9

Last week I announced that I'm retiring. Now I'm hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached.

I'll tell you exactly the moment I made the decision to retire. A couple of months ago my cue card boy came to me and said, "Mr. Letterman, I'm sorry. I just can't print the jokes any bigger."

It's Derek Jeter's final year in baseball. Don't you hate it when a guy announces his retirement a year in advance? And then spends every day milking it for cheap sentimentality?

On the program tonight — Lindsay Lohan. She thinks I'm Dr. Phil. She's very excited to be here tonight because this means she'll have an alibi.


 
The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Tuesday Night, April 15

It's tax day today. Good news for the studio audience. You can deduct your laughter as a charitable donation.

Every year, the IRS collects over $950 billion in taxes. There's more money coming at them than a stripper at Charlie Sheen's house.

Let's play "How busy do accountants get on tax day"? They're busier than drug dealers at Coachella. Busier than someone doing sign language for Regis Philbin. Busier than Justin Bieber's lawyer. Busier than gossip blogs when a late-night show's host retires.

A new study says that an average person's chances of getting audited by the IRS is the lowest they've been since the 1980s. Don't get any ideas, Willie Nelson.

 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Friday Night, April 11

A woman in Las Vegas was arrested after she threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton while Hillary was giving a speech. The woman was tackled, cuffed, and thrown into a police car. Then the cops said, “Normally, WE do that, Hillary, but thank you for the help.”

After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced today that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.

The White House just released President Obama’s tax returns, which show that he and Michelle paid 98 thousand dollars in taxes last year. When he saw that, even Obama said, "Thanks, Obama."

Next week Google will give the public the chance to buy its $1,500 Google Glass. Finally ending the stereotype that people who wear glasses are smart.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, April 10

Apparently a lot of people are naming their kids after characters from "Game of Thrones." The name "Khaleesi" has gone way up. What better way to be reminded of gratuitous sex and violence than whenever you call your child.

I love "Game of Thrones." But don't name your baby "Khaleesi." If not for your kid's sake, do it for the poor baristas at Starbucks.
  

 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Thursday Night, April 10

 A super-PAC urging Hillary Clinton to run for president says it raised $1.7 million in the first three months of the year. Said President Obama, “I’ll kick in another million if she’s willing to start early.”

The federal judge presiding over a court case between Apple and Samsung has threatened to confiscate all phones following frequent disruptions — while lawyers from Blackberry just now got the email with the court date.

A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.

New reports show that the price of Whole Foods stock has gone up twelve-fold since 2008. The stock is valued at $50.32 a share, or about one cantaloupe from Whole Foods. 
 

 


 
 
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