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Cartoons Last Updated: August 15, 2018
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: August 15
Courtesy: Newsmax


Conan
Wednesday Night, July 11

I don't know if anyone watched soccer today. Yeah? Today, big story: Croatia beat England in the semifinals of the World Cup. Croatia won. Which is nice. It's really nice.

It's the first time in a while I've heard people say, "Way to go, Croatia." Something you don't hear all the time. "Good going, Croat." It's been a stressful week so far. First, 12 Thai soccer players were trapped in a cave with rising water, and now six world leaders are trapped in a summit with President Trump.

It's rough. It's come out that President Trump's new communications director has changed the White House lighting so Trump looks younger. Even more impressive, the new lighting makes Melania look happy.

 Sarah Palin is complaining that she was tricked and humiliated by comedian Sacha Baron Cohen. Yes — apparently 10 years ago he tricked Palin into thinking she was actually qualified to be vice president.

The founder of Papa John's Pizza used the N-word during a conference call about how to avoid bad publicity. Yeah. Of course, for Papa John's, the N-word is nutrition.


The Late Late Show With James Corden
Monday Night, August 13

President Trump was in New Jersey this weekend, where he hosted a “Bikers for Trump” rally at one of his private golf courses. Because really, what’s more badass and rebellious for bikers to do than hang out at a members-only golf club? “Bikers for Trump,” or as most people call them, “bikers.”

During an interview yesterday, former Trump aide Omarosa played a secret recording of chief of staff John Kelly informing her she was being fired. The firing took place in the White House’s Situation Room. Omarosa recorded this herself, which is a first, because usually there’s a whole camera crew there when she’s getting fired.

On the tape, Kelly says Omarosa was being fired due to significant integrity issues. And nothing says “I don’t have integrity issues” like recording your boss in the top-secret Situation Room.

Also, on the recording, you can hear General Kelly telling Omarosa that if she makes a friendly departure, she won’t lose her reputation. That’s also what they tell me when I’m asked to leave Ben & Jerry’s. “We’ve talked about this, Mr. Corden, don’t make a scene. You can come back tomorrow.”

And there was another huge revelation from Omarosa this weekend: She said the Trump administration was “deceiving this nation” by hiding how mentally declined President Trump actually is. Oh, come on. We see his tweets. He’s not fooling anyone.


 
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Wednesday Night, July 25

Welcome to "The Late Show,” I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. And unlike Donald Trump, I know I'm being recorded right now. Because, folks, there's a tape! Not that tape. But still ... and I'm going to tell you all about it in tonight's "Stormy Watch: Karen McDougal Edition."

Long-time viewers of "Stormy Watch" will recall that Karen McDougal is the Playboy playmate who claims she had a 10-month affair with Donald Trump. McDougal’s story was hushed up after she sold the rights to it to the "National Enquirer" for $150,000. That's $20,000 more than Stormy Daniels. Karen must have spanked him with two magazines.

Trump denies the affair and any knowledge of that payment, but last night, CNN obtained one of the 12 secret Trump-Cohen tapes, this one from September 2016. You can tell it's from 2016 because they're both making a lot of Harambe jokes.


 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Monday Night, August 13

Tonight was an all-new episode of “Bachelor in Paradise.” You know I love that. But if you want to see some reality stars go at it on TV, just check out Omarosa and President Trump.

The big story is, of course, Omarosa. She’s been promoting her new book, “Unhinged.” It’s about her time in the White House. She claims President Trump has mentally declined. Trump was furious. He said, “This book is an outrage. And — wait, what were we talking about?”

On “Meet the Press” yesterday, Omarosa played a recording of Trump’s chief of staff John Kelly, firing her in the White House Situation Room. Experts said, “Nobody’s ever made a recording in that room.” Then one guy said, [Russian accent] “That you know about.”

In her new book, Omarosa claims that she once walked in on Trump in the Oval Office eating a piece of paper. Eating paper. On the bright side, that’s actually the healthiest thing he’s ever eaten.

She says that Trump ate a piece of paper in the Oval Office.

But I think Trump was just confused. Because it was a note from an angry staffer that said, “Eat me.” But before all this got out, Trump’s campaign tried to keep Omarosa quiet by offering her $180,000 in hush money. When Stormy Daniels heard that, she was like, “Oh, my God. What did she have to do for the extra $50,000?”

The president’s been keeping busy. On Friday night, he had dinner with the CEO of Apple, Tim Cook. And this is nice — Trump even picked up the check. But then he ate it.

An 11-year-old boy in Florida was able to hack into a state elections website and change results in under 10 minutes. So get ready to meet Florida’s next governor, Fortnite McDeadpool.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tuesday Night, July 17

The news today is that our president is a liar, and not even a good one. President Trump today, in an attempt to explain what the Helsinki was going through his cotton candy-covered head when he stood next to Vladimir Putin, of all people, and took sides with Russia over our own American intelligence agencies, now says it was just a tiny little slip-up — even smaller than his fists. [Clip of Trump] "In a key sentence in my remarks I said the word WOULD instead of WOULDN'T. The sentence should have been, 'I don't see any reason why I wouldn't,' or 'why it wouldn't be Russia.'"

I have to say, when you said "I don't see any reason why it WOULD be Russia," for a minute it almost seemed like you were hiding something from us. Like there was something Putin knew about you that you wanted him to keep quiet. Now it all makes sense. Boy, I tell ya, Papa John must be at home right now going, “Wait, you can do that?”

What I want to know is, which genius on his team came up with this idea? Who in that administration told him it would be good? I bet it was Melania, she hates him the most.

You think about history and presidents, this is like if Bill Clinton had come out and said, "Wait, no, I meant to say I DID have sexual relations with that woman."

 Even when our president was forced to sit in front of the world and make this preposterous claim that he of course knew the Russians tried to meddle with our elections, he couldn’t help but spread the blame around. [clip] "I have full faith and support for America's great intelligence agencies, always have. I have felt very strongly that while Russia's actions had no impact at all on the outcome of the election, let me be totally clear in saying that … I accept our intelligence community's conclusion that Russia's meddling in the 2016 election took place. It could be other people also. There's a lot of people out there." So maybe it wasn't the Russians at all, maybe it was the Canadians, you know? Sneaking around, drilling holes in trees. We don't know what they're up to.


 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Monday Night, August 13

After former White House staffer Omarosa Manigault released a recording of a conversation with President Trump, Trump tweeted, “Wacky Omarosa who got fired three times on ‘The Apprentice’ now got fired for the last time. She never made it, never will.” Well, actually, she did make it. You hired her for a job in the White House after she got fired three times on “The Apprentice.” That’s like getting cut three times from the Mets and thinking, “I’m going to try out for the Yankees.”

Former White House staffer Omarosa Manigault yesterday played a recording of a conversation with chief of staff John Kelly in the Situation Room, which is the most secure area of the West Wing. Well, [shows door with sign “Melania’s Room: Keep Out!!!”] the second most secure.

Omarosa also claims in her book that she once saw President Trump eat a piece of paper. But in his defense, [shows paper with “chicken” written on it] he was tricked. [imitates Trump, chewing] “There’s something wrong with this chicken.”

President Trump had dinner on Friday with Apple CEO Tim Cook. Well, Tim, did you try unplugging him and plugging him back in?


 


 
 




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