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Cartoons
Cartoons Last Updated: June 21, 2018
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: June 20
Courtesy: Newsmax


Conan
Wednesday Night, June 13

President Trump attacked Robert De Niro as someone who's "received too many hits to the head by real boxers." It was part of Trump's speech entitled "I Don’t Understand How Movies Work."

A new report says that this past year was a record-breaking year for Americans giving to charities. In fact, just yesterday, President Trump gave away South Korea.

AT&T was cleared to purchase Time Warner, which technically makes AT&T my new boss. So I just want to say two things: First, this news will in no way affect the content of my program. And two, T-Mobile sucks.

The Detroit Zoo announced it is sending 11,000 tadpoles to Puerto Rico to help restore their native toad population. A grateful Puerto Rico said, "Thanks, but could you send some electricity instead?"

The owner of the famous Bunny Ranch brothel won the primary for the Nevada state legislature. He won on his strong record of hiring women.

On Tuesday, a cow named Char won the "sexiest cow in Britain" award. Don’t worry, the organizers of the contest have been arrested.


The Late Late Show With James Corden
Wednesday Night, June 13

According to a new article, President Trump has a habit of ripping up official documents when he is done with them. And because there's a legal requirement to preserve presidential records, White House staffers then have to piece the documents back together with Scotch tape. It's been a lot of work. They've already had to put the Constitution back together three times.

You start out dreaming of working in the White House, you're like, "I want to experience all that excitement while getting to serve my country." And you end up like a kid on a rainy family vacation. "Ooh, I've got a corner piece! Guys, we've almost got the whole border done!"

This week SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk personally handed out his latest and greatest new product to the first 1,000 customers who bought them online. And that product is… a flamethrower! This is something we were all crying out for. I mean, this is one way to get your neighbor to stop using a leaf blower at 7 a.m.

To get around existing laws, Elon Musk is calling the product Not a Flamethrower. Which is a great idea. I'm excited to use one of these "not a flamethrowers" to "not rob a liquor store."

Domino's Pizza announced this week that as part of a publicity campaign, the company will start to fill potholes in select towns across the country. Yes, yes, Domino's will be filling potholes — not to be confused with their normal job of filling potheads.

Seeing as it's Domino's, the asphalt is going to look like regular asphalt, but it's going to taste a little bit worse.

The crayon company Crayola has launched a new line of makeup based on its crayon colors. People who've tried the Crayola makeup say the colors are great, but they did have trouble staying inside the lines.

 Crayola says their new line of makeup is completely vegan. Wait, so are you telling me the makeup I've been eating has meat in it?


 
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Wednesday Night, June 13

There is huge news in the Mueller investigation. Sources say that ex-Trump lawyer Michael Cohen is likely to cooperate with federal prosecutors. Yes, Michael Cohen is going to sing like a canary — which is ironic [picture of Trump’s hair and canary with tufted crest], because it's Trump that looks like one.

The first sign that Cohen is about to flip is that his lawyers are “not expected to work with him going forward” and “replacements for the lawyers have not been named.” Hmm, he should hire my guest tonight, Michael Avenatti. I hear the last lawyer to go up against him is about to get arrested.

This must be a shock to Donald Trump because it comes at a critical time, because sources say Mueller is wrapping up his obstruction of justice investigation — or, as one of them put it, “It’s going to hit the fan pretty soon.” I did not know there was a fan in Donald Trump’s pants. Because that’s where it’s gonna be hitting.

One former White House official said that even before the news that Cohen was cooperating broke, "Trump should be super worried about Michael Cohen. If anyone can blow up Trump, it's him." Well, OK, that gives Cohen leverage, because the last guy who threatened to blow up Trump got his own summit.

You know Trump didn't see this coming, because after Cohen's office was raided back in April, he tweeted, "Michael is a businessman for his own account/lawyer who I have always liked and respected. Most people will flip if the government lets them out of trouble, even if it means lying or making up stories. Sorry, I don't see Michael doing that." Sorry, I just heard he DID.

Now, there's still hope for Trump. A person close to Cohen says he hasn't flipped yet. "He's sending up a smoke signal to Trump: I need help." And that smoke signal's not a metaphor. Their pants are literally on fire.

So the question is, will Donald Trump pardon Michael Cohen? Maybe, maybe not. Because sources say, "Trump has been fuming about Cohen in private, blaming him for the messy Stormy Daniels situation." [Trump impression] “Why did Michael make me have sex with that woman? And why did he allow me to be alone with her during ‘Shark Week’? He knows it gets my juices flowing. I'm in a feeding frenzy."

This Cohen news really took the bounce out of Trump's North Korea victory lap. This morning, Trump made a bold claim, tweeting, "Just landed — a long trip, but everybody can now feel much safer than the day I took office. There is no longer a nuclear threat from North Korea." OK, granted, I have never felt less safe than the day you took office, but — and it's a big but — you didn't get anything in writing from Kim, and experts say, "The nuclear threat from North Korea is far from over." But a little reality never stopped Trump from getting his tweet on.

 Trump then tweeted: "Before taking office, people were assuming that we were going to war with North Korea. President Obama said that North Korea was our biggest and most dangerous problem. No longer — sleep well tonight!" What do you mean, "sleep well"? You didn't change anything. It's like a lion got loose in our house, and you took a selfie with it, and then said, "Everything's fine. The lion and I have great chemistry. Sleep tight. Here, wear this lucky ham. Love you, baby. You'll be fine."

Trump announced that he was going to halt the joint military exercises with South Korea and the U.S., but that came as a shock to our close allies, South Korea and the U.S. In fact, a spokesperson for South Korea said, "At this moment, the meaning and intention of President Trump's remarks requires more clear understanding." Which is Korean for "Whaaaa!?"

Meanwhile, "American troops said they are still moving ahead with a military exercise this fall, until they receive guidance otherwise from the chain of command." OK, that's very important. I think the chain of command now goes: Trump; Ivanka; Dennis Rodman; Ivanka again; Jared's wife Ivanka; "Fox & Friends."


 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Monday Night, June 18

 It was 90 degrees in New York City today. Yeah, you know it's bad when you get that dirty gust of wind from the subway and you go, "Ahh!"

This year, Americans spent around $15 billion on Father's Day. When dads thanked their kids for the gifts, the kids were like, "No problem, I ordered them using your Amazon account.”

The Trump administration is facing criticism for separating immigrant children from their parents. Some people said they couldn't believe Trump would do something like this. Then African-Americans, Muslims, DACA recipients, transgendered troops, and special Olympians were like, "WE can."

The Trump administration is separating immigrant kids from their parents at the border, but experts say there's an easy fix to the problem — the midterms.

A lot of people are upset about this. Even Melania Trump came out against her husband — this is real — her office released a statement that said, "Mrs. Trump hates to see children separated from their families." Then it said, "However, Mrs. Trump is totally OK with wives being separated from their husbands."

A marijuana company in Los Angeles just sold a joint that's three feet long. And this is very thoughtful, they even included a little guide explaining what happens when you smoke a three-foot joint. After six inches, you call the supermarket to ask why peanut butter doesn't come in sticks like regular butter. After a foot, you realize you're talking into your wallet instead of your phone. After a foot and a half, you try to plug your wallet in so that you can call the supermarket and get to the bottom of this peanut butter thing. After two feet, you realize you've stuffed your wallet into a jar of peanut butter. After two and a half feet, you bring your peanut-buttered wallet to the Apple Store to get repaired. And after three feet, the guy working at the Genius Bar says, "Mr. Rogen, this is a Sephora."



Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Monday Night, June 18

I hope you had a good Father’s Day weekend. The president spent his Father’s Day weekend the same way he does every year. He opens a card and says, "Who's Eric?"

After two weeks of talking about it, on Saturday I was in Houston to play Texas Sen. Ted Cruz in what we call the Blobfish Basketball Classic. And just like a blobfish, the game was sloppy and within moments we were gasping for air. We played one on one. It took almost an hour to get to six points. Which would be a lot if this was a World Cup soccer game. But it was not.

When we agreed to play to 11, I didn't realize that meant 11 o'clock. It went on forever. The game was very rough. There was nothing but fouls the whole game long. I have bruises all over my body. He kept poking me with his hoofs. The game went on so long by the time it was over Jay-Z and Beyoncé had written and produced an entire new album.

It's been a dream of mine ever since I was a little boy to play basketball one day against the least popular member of the U.S. Senate. That dream finally came true this weekend.


 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Monday Night, June 18

A federal judge in Virginia revoked former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort’s bail on Friday and sent him to jail while he awaits trial. Jail — or as it will soon be known, “Trump 2020 Re-Election Headquarters.”

An Ohio man was recently arrested after attacking his roommate with a rolling pin. And I find it amazing that two male roommates actually owned a rolling pin.

A baby who was born in Paris on a public train today received free rides from the transportation company until his 25th birthday. While a baby born on the New York City subway received hepatitis.

 


 
 




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