Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Thursday Night, April 21
Now I don't know if you guys are Anglophiles or anything, but if you are, if you
are into England, it's Queen Elizabeth's birthday today. She is turning 90 years
old. She is the first queen to ever reach that age. There would have been others
but they were beheaded.
Queen Elizabeth is having her portrait done by Annie Leibowitz. She's releasing
a new stamp in her honor in May. There is a public celebration of her birthday.
In June there is a service at St. Paul's plus a big parade — and she gets to
wear her birthday tiara all year long.
If you think that you're worried about what is going to happen in this race,
just consider Reince Priebus, RNC chairman and man whose name is an anagram for
“crisp bee urine.”
Tuesday Night, May 3
Today in Indiana, Ted Cruz called Donald Trump “a pathological liar,” “a
narcissist,” “utterly immoral,” and “a serial philanderer.” Then Cruz turned to
Trump and said, “Teach me, Master!”
Today is Teacher Appreciation Day, and President Obama thanked his fifth-grade
teacher, Ms. Mabel Hefty. Then Bernie Sanders thanked his fifth-grade teacher,
Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. It’s a special day when we Americans
show our gratitude to teachers in any form but money.
A high school girl brought a cardboard cut-out of Bernie Sanders as her prom
date. Meanwhile, another girl brought a cardboard cut-out of John Kasich that
turned out to be John Kasich.
Donald Trump is implying that Ted Cruz’s father had something to do with the
Kennedy assassination. Even worse, Ted Cruz’s father had something to do with
Plans are underway to build an erotic theme park in Brazil called “ErotikaLand.”
In fact, Brazilian workers are already busy waxing the rainforest.
Researchers are claiming that humans can only maintain close relationships with
five people. Which should make for an interesting Mother’s Day for my mom and
her six children.
A group is suing Quaker Oats saying their oatmeal is not 100 percent natural.
And it gets worse: The guy on the box? He’s Jewish.
It’s been announced that the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, and Paul McCartney will
perform at a huge music festival. If you’re planning on attending, get in line
for the bathroom NOW.
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Tuesday Night, May 3
Today was the Indiana primary and the winner was, of course, Donald Trump. But
the big news was that Ted Cruz ended his presidential campaign. I can’t believe
Cruz is quitting the race. I mean, who quits just because they’ve lost?
Cruz said he’s looking forward to being able to spend more time with his family.
In response, his family said, “Are you sure you want to quit?”
Ted Cruz suspending his campaign is great news for the only other candidate,
John Kasich, who is now just waiting for Donald Trump to drop out.
Earlier in his campaign, Trump was calling Carly Fiorina ugly. Now he’s saying
he might pick her up if she falls down. Guys, that’s growth. He’s getting more
presidential every day.
Just before Cruz exited the race, Donald Trump implied that Ted Cruz’s dad may
have been involved in the Kennedy assassination. This is very unlike Trump.
Usually, he thoroughly investigates a story before repeating it to millions of
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Tuesday Night, May 3
Today was the Indiana primary, and the results are in. Donald Trump saw his
shadow, so there are six more months of the election!
Yesterday, Heidi Cruz was asked about rumors that her husband is the Zodiac
Killer, and she said, “I’ve been married to him for 15 years, and I know pretty
well who he is.” That story again: Heidi Cruz didn’t actually deny that her
husband was the Zodiac Killer.
It was announced that “Space Jam 2” is in the works, and the movie will star
LeBron James. It’ll feature LeBron playing with a bunch of make-believe
teammates — or as LeBron calls them, “teammates.”
The CEO of Priceline just resigned after it was revealed that he had an affair
with an employee. As you can imagine, his wife is pretty mad, but on the bright
side, at least he knows where to find a good deal on hotels.
A 100-year-old woman from New York City just broke the world record for her age
group in the 100-meter dash. It’s pretty amazing — in fact, they say she’s the
oldest person to enter a race since Bernie Sanders.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, April 28
The Indiana primary was today and we’re this much closer to having a president
who starts Twitter fights with Cher.
Trump had a big win. Indiana is a basketball state. He’s worried that if he
spent too much time there, people might try to grab his orange head and try to
Trump now leads Ted Cruz by 42 points, which is too many points. Is anybody else
starting to feel bad for Ted Cruz? Poor guy probably wants to lock himself up in
a transgender bathroom and never come out.
Trump is trying to spread the tabloid story that Ted Cruz’s dad is somehow
involved in the assassination of JFK. While I’m pretty sure Rafael Cruz didn’t
have anything to do with the assassination of JFK, he does look like a James
Bond villain from the Sean Connery era.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Tuessday Night, May 3
Industry experts are speculating that Chipotle could be planning
to add breakfast options. Of course, Chipotle already has a breakfast option.
It’s the half a burrito you woke up next to.
A pizzeria in Brooklyn has created an edible pizza box. Chris Christie was
like, “Wait, the old ones weren’t?”
Entrepreneurs in Brazil are building a new theme park called “ErotikaLand” and
it will feature rides and attractions based around sexuality. Just a word of
warning: Steer clear of Splash Mountain.
Entrepreneurs in Brazil are seeking to build a sexual adults-only theme park
called ErotikaLand. They went with the name after realizing Busch Gardens was