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Cartoons
Cartoons Last Updated: April 22, 2017
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Late Night Jokes  
Last updated: April 22
Courtesy: Newsmax


Conan
Thursday Night, April 19

Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski bought a stake in a Kentucky Derby racehorse that was named after him. The million-dollar animal bred for its ability to run fast says he's excited to own a share in a horse.

 President Trump's new nominee to head NASA is a Republican congressman with no science background. Or as that’s called in the Trump administration, "overqualified."

Thanks to a rule change, babies are now allowed on the U.S. Senate floor. In the spirit of the new rules, today in the Senate, Orrin Hatch had his diaper changed.

Camping at Coachella has been delayed this weekend because of high winds. Then someone realized they just forgot to turn off BeyoncĂ©’s wind machine.

This weekend is the 80th birthday of Superman. Now that he’s 80, Superman is rendered helpless by Kryptonite and his email password.

Negotiations to buy the company that makes Adderall ended today without a deal. Meanwhile, talks to buy the maker of Cialis lasted over four hours so they had to call a doctor.


The Late Late Show With James Corden
Thursday Night, April 19

More bad news for President Trump. Former Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal, who allegedly had a relationship with Trump, just had a gag order lifted that previously prevented her from discussing the affair. Oh, I cannot wait to NOT hear the details. Her gag order may be over, but once she describes the affair, our gagging is just beginning.

At a press conference yesterday, the president said he's optimistic about his upcoming meeting with North Korean President Kim Jong Un, but added that if the meeting isn't going well, he'll just get up and leave. Ah, yes. I remember when President Reagan went to the Berlin Wall, and said defiantly to the Soviet Union, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall — or, I can just leave, whichever is easier. Whatever you want to do. "

He says if it's not going well he's just going to get up and leave — which is also Trump's philosophy on marriage.

You know how sometimes when priests go to the Vatican they bring gifts for the Pope from their home region? Recently, a priest from Kentucky decided to give Pope Francis 10 bottles of whiskey — 10 bottles of whiskey, because nine's just not enough. Apparently, the Pope loves the Father, the Son, and ALL of the holy spirits.

He got 10 bottles of whiskey, which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m.

I'm not saying he drank it all, but he did start his last sermon with, "Peace be with you. And you. And you, man, I love you so much. In fact, you know, peace be with all of you! Anyone want to go to Waffle House?"

Researchers in Asia have developed a robot that is capable of assembling furniture from Ikea. Completely true! The robot assembled an Ikea chair in just about 20 minutes. If you think this will save you a lot of time, think again. The first step is, you've got to assemble the robots.

It's amazing how advanced and human-like they are. The robots were even able to assemble the chair while drinking a Coors Light and yelling at their kids.

And this is nice, they're also developing a robot that will throw your Ikea furniture away when it breaks three weeks later.

A 24-year-old woman who was caught attempting to smuggle $20 million worth of cocaine out of South America said she only did it to get likes on her Instagram travel photos. According to the girl's attorney, she's going to plead YOLO.

Although she had a pretty bad excuse when they arrested her. When police caught her with $20 million worth of cocaine, she said, "No, you don't understand. It's a gift for Pope Francis."



 
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Wednesday Night, April 11

Everyone is talking about Donald Trump's potentially epic summit with Kim Jong Un. It's the dispute of the ill-fitting suits! The men with nukes putting up their dukes! "In this corner, weighing in at 239 pounds, ha-ha, with the terrible haircut, a man-child who had everything handed to him by his father. And in the other corner: The exact same thing! Let’s get ready to bumble!”

Trump views the North Korea crisis as his "great man" of history moment. Yes, the greatest presidents end up on our currency. Donald Trump could end up on our hush money.

The president is busy preparing for the possible summit by NOT preparing. According to one source: "He thinks, 'Just get me in the room with the guy and I'll figure it out.'" He's going to wing it with a nuclear madman. It's like your surgeon going, "We're just going to open you up and improvise. Could I have the suggestion of an organ and a sharp object? I heard 'pancreas' and 'broken bottle.' Let's go!"

But make no mistake, Trump’s not having a plan is all part of his plan, because a source close to the president claims that [imitates Trump] "during the war of insults between Trump and Kim last year, Trump's tweets and 'Little Rocket Man' were pretty carefully calibrated." I wonder who that source was.

Trump's plan was that he wanted “to demonstrate that he and the U.S. were unafraid. He wanted to show dominance over Kim." And if that doesn't work, he'll establish dominance by inflating his neck pouch. Yeah, yeah, it attracts the females.

There are some doubts about the president's current attorney, Michael Cohen. Apparently, Trump and his advisers are increasingly worried that Cohen might be susceptible to cooperating with federal prosecutors. The obvious answer: Michael Cohen just pays himself $130,000 to shut up.



 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Thursday Night, April 19

Guys, it's almost 4.20. That's right, it's 4.20 eve. It's that special time of year when stoners spend the entire night waiting for Seth Rogen to come down the chimney. It's a beautiful, beautiful night.

Today, President Trump went to Key West for a briefing. At first, Trump was confused because he thought Key West was the guy married to Kim Kardashian.

Down in Florida, Trump's been spending time with Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. They had a press conference together, and it seems like Trump's still not sure how to say Shinzo Abe's name. [Clip of Trump pronouncing Abe as Abi.] “He reminds me of my favorite president, Abi Lincoln. Honest Abi.”

 I read that Trump's meeting with Kim Jong Un could take place in Sweden or Switzerland. Apparently, it all depends on whether Trump is in the mood for meatballs or cheese.

 Next week Trump is hosting German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the White House for the second time. This is so historic. It's the first time Trump has met with a woman this often, and not paid her $130,000.

Earlier today Trump found out that he made Time magazine's list of most influential people. The editors said the annoying part was reading all the letters of recommendation he wrote for himself. [Trump impersonation] “Trump is bigly influential — and fruitful."

I saw that “Survivor” is coming back for a 37th season. I think they're starting to run out of locations. They just announced that next season is being held at a Costco on a Saturday.

Evan Rachel Wood is on the show tonight. She is the star of "Westworld," the show about robots that look identical to humans, and cause major chaos. Or as it's also known, Facebook.

A group of scientists in Singapore built a robot that can put together Ikea furniture. That's when you know something's wrong, when it's easier to build a robot than an Ikea dresser.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, April 19

This is a bittersweet night as we say goodbye to "Scandal," which wrapped up its seventh and final season tonight. "Scandal" premiered in 2012, back when the idea that a president would need a crisis manager seemed fantastic. That is obviously not the case anymore. Trump getting elected while you're writing a fictional show about the White House really isn't fair — it's like what would happen to "Game of Thrones" if they suddenly discovered that there ARE dragons flying around.

This is the first time a TV show ended because the world jumped the shark instead of the other way around.

 The bigliest concern for Team Trump, the story reportedly driving him to the edge, is whether or not his personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, is going to flip on him. Cohen has been under federal investigation for months and many of Trump's closest friends and advisers are worried that he'll make a deal to tell federal prosecutors everything he knows. One of the president's former lawyers told Trump that on a scale of 1 to 100, where 100 represents full protection of the president, Cohen isn't even at a 1.

Michael Cohen once said he would take a bullet for Donald Trump. Robert Mueller was like, “Oh, great, stand right there, you want a cigarette or anything?”

 Trump confidants are openly concerned Cohen might flip. I think that alone is interesting. If he's not guilty of anything, why does it matter if he flips? Flip away. Flip like an acrobat.

Here's the thing, almost no one ultimately turns out to be loyal to Donald Trump, because Donald Trump isn't loyal to them. He cheats in business, he cheats at golf, cheats in marriage, definitely cheats on his taxes, that's why we haven't seen them. He throws everybody that works for him under the bus eventually. Loyalty to Donald Trump means "you scratch my back, and then we're done."


 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Thursday Night, April 12

House Speaker Paul Ryan said yesterday that he doesn’t plan on running for president after he retires from Congress next year. Ryan will instead return to the haunted Sears Catalogue that spawned him [shows picture of Ryan modeling sportswear].

 President Trump had dinner with Republican congressional leaders last night. “Are you gonna finish that?” they asked about his presidency.

A woman was recently arrested at New York’s Kennedy Airport for attempting to smuggle $110,000-worth of cocaine, hidden inside bottles of Bailey’s Irish Cream. Even worse – Bailey’s Irish Cream.

A new report did not name New York City as one of the 25 best places to live in the country. “I’m shocked!” said an adult New Yorker with six roommates.

 H&M is reportedly struggling to deal with over $4 billion in unsold merchandise. “Just throw it on the floor,” said TJ Maxx.

 


 
 




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