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Cartoons
Cartoons Last Updated: September 10, 2014
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: September 10, 2014
Courtesy: Newsmax


Conan
Monday Night, September 8

Over the weekend President Obama visited Stonehenge. Yes, the cold, rigid entity no one can quite figure out said he enjoyed Stonehenge.

It actually rained in Los Angeles today. In response to the rain, Apple's CEO said, "See, all clouds occasionally leak."

 Reportedly the identity of Jack the Ripper, who killed five people in London, finally has been revealed. After hearing about it, the commissioner of the NFL suspended him for two games.

I was watching "Sunday Night Football" and I hit the info button on the remote control. It said, "Auditions for 'America's Most Wanted.'"


Late Show With David Letterman
Monday Night, September 8

Prince William and wife Kate are expecting another baby. This is big news — in the year 1614.

Now there will be two royal babies. This guy is going to have to start looking for a job, you know what I mean?

Also from England, it turns out they have now identified Jack the Ripper. They found the DNA off an old white Ford Bronco. Not only that, but they now know the guy was married to Kelly Ripper.

On this date in 1974, Gerald Ford pardoned Richard Nixon. A lot of people think Nixon's trouble was for Watergate, but it was not. It was for wearing a tan suit.


 
The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Monday Night, September 8

 It was a terrifying day here in L.A. The City of Angels has been struck by a disaster called "light rain."

The mayor of L.A. was considering declaring a state of emergency because thousands of people had to change their outdoor brunch plans. The rain was terrible in Los Angeles. The rush hour here was crazy.

The highways were jammed. Traffic was bumper to bumper and people were driving like idiots all over the place. Then it started to rain. The rain in L.A. was around an eighth of an inch. That's it, California. The drought is over. Go back to leaving your faucets on all the time. Open up a free car wash. It's over.

 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Monday Night, September 8

On Friday President Obama made a surprise visit to Stonehenge on his way back from the NATO summit in Wales. And even crazier — today he made a surprise visit to the White House.

President Obama visited Stonehenge. It was going well until Biden said, “Look at the size of those dominoes.”

The Department of Transportation is considering building a new high-speed train that could get people from D.C. to Baltimore in 15 minutes. It gets you out of Washington in 15 minutes — or as President Obama calls that, “Still not fast enough.”

AMC is coming out with a spin-off of “The Walking Dead” that will show the apocalypse in other parts of the world. It's called “The News.”


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Monday Night, September 8

I watched a lot of football this weekend. I spent about 14 hours on the couch watching other people exercise. How much did I exercise this weekend? Not one second. I'm even thinking about hiring someone to carry me back and forth from the refrigerator to the TV set.

This weekend there were dozens of football games and thousands of car commercials starring Matthew McConaughey driving around in a Lincoln, talking to himself. Is it possible he got high and thought he was doing the second season of "True Detective" alone this time?

It was quite an opening NFL weekend. Dallas quarterback Tony Romo was handing out interceptions like "The Bachelor" hands out roses.

Our former governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, returned today to Sacramento, where they unveiled his official portrait. They do this for all the governors, even the ones who were in "The Expendables."
  

 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Monday Night, September 8

This weekend a Native American group gathered outside of the Houston-Washington game to protest the Redskins’ nickname. And a group of Cowboys wide receivers gathered outside of the Dallas-San Francisco game because that’s where most of Tony Romo’s passes were landing.

This week President Obama will announce his plans for addressing the threat posed by ISIS extremists in Iraq. It’s an incredibly difficult situation. I think at this point he should just tell Liam Neeson that they have his daughter.

Today is the 48th anniversary of the first episode of "Star Trek." And if you already knew that, it’s probably the only anniversary you have to remember.
 

 


 
 
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